as the headspinning 2009 comes to a close;

So here we are at the end of another year. Another year older, another year wiser, hopefully.

I think I've learnt so much this year. About others, about myself... Well, just about humanity in general. The biggest epiphany I've had this year is still the one about relationships. To know who are the people who really matter, and appreciate them more. To avoid or eliminate others who only give out negative energy. It's tiring to deal with them. And that's something which I don't need at this point in my life.

I've learnt that it's okay to say "No". I've always been a very obliging person. But I've learnt that saying "No" doesn't make you bad, or any less nice. Sometimes you have to say "No" for your own sake, for your own health. How can one expect to help others, or make others happy, when he himself is in need of help? It's not impossible to do so, but being in a state of wholeness enables one to better spread joy to others around. And you need rest to be able to do that. It's also okay to say "No" because the people who should and do matter, will eventually understand. Of course we should never take them for granted. But generally, they do understand. Others that simply can't or won't understand and conversely give you grief for it... well, maybe it's time to do some relationship pruning. I'm just sayin', you know? I've also learnt that relationships are dynamic. They are constantly evolving and moving all the time. And it takes work to maintain a relationship. Until we realise that, none of our relationships are going to be lasting, be it between family, friends or lovers. It all requires effort. Just to stay home have some quality time, have a meal together.. Just a chill session over coffee with old friends. Just time out for the two of you. It all requires effort. It all requires a certain amount of commitment. And we have to specially set aside time for that. Because it's important.

So yes, my New Year Resolution is to have more balance in my life. Now that Uni's starting again, need to consciously remind myself to set aside more time for the people whom I care for. To see them happy. If I can achieve this, then yes, I think it is a type of success too.

Happy 2010 everyone.

Prov 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"

This verse surfaced to my mind a number of times.
As we all know, whatever is in our hearts will flow out through our words and our actions.

So now I'm asking myself- what is really in my heart?

Today;

MORE RAIN. I like rain. So good, in fact, I am looking forward to a few more days of just that. For me to devour journal articles and brainstorming that comes from dark, grey thunderstorms in the middle of the afternoon. Awesome. Hello coffee. I've missed you :)

That being said, I'm really looking forward to Avatar 3D tomorrow~ woohoo~ heard raving reviews about it~ hope it lives up to expectation, yeaps ! and looking forward to a good time of hanging out too of course, been awhile since i've visited the malls. hmm. Therefore meaning, I did not do any Christmas shopping this year. haha :x

Flywheel.

Caught a great movie today ! Thanks for the invite mq :)

Though its a low-budget film and acting wasn't exactly professional and stuffs, i still think this movie is amazing. The storyline easily makes up for some of the film's shortcomings. It's a Christian film with strong messages of love, redemption, transformation and grace.. uplifting and inspirational. I believe non-christians will like this film too. There were some funny bits here and there as well. Definitely worth a watch :)

Lots of afterthoughts, but something that actually stood out for me was that I realised there will be consequences for every action made- even after apologising. Our God is a God of justice and while He may have forgiven us, He still allows the (painful) consequences to happen.

I guess God forgives sin immediately upon repentance, but it takes longer to build character. It is our character, not forgiveness, that determines what God brings next to our life. Additionally, I feel the film did a great job in portraying what true repentance really is- Dont just apologise for the wrong things you've done. Unlearn the wrong things, and learn to do the right things at once! Willingness and obedience must go together.

Because we know the devastating consequences of our disobedience, let us diligently avoid every sin and "and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us" (Hebrews 12:1).

Btw, I've always wanted to watch "Facing the Giants". Just realised its from the same producer as Flywheel ! :)

and, thank God operation went well for JD's mum. Stay strong fellow aizai, will continue to pray for you and your family. I'll defintely avail myself for you if I can be of further help. We're all rooting for you. take care :)

+ God Bless

once bitten twice shy.

i guess im just more cautious now.

Wearing our hearts on our sleeves..? Lets try.

Or as some people say, “being an open book”. Meaning, you know what someone else is thinking because they tell it straight up. There’s no need for second-guessing or honing your mind-reading skills. If we did that, we might offend everyone we know… but on the flip side, when we offer a compliment, they would know that it isn’t just a passing remark. It would mean something. And when we are unhappy with something they did, they would know it too. Let me qualify this. I’m not advocating that you go around and insult everyone’s fashion sense and stuff. Rather, today, we engage in societal artificiality by tiptoeing around each other. When a friend says or does something that cuts us up inside, we are hurt because we expect them to be so much more sensitive to our hearts. And YET! We conjure up a smile and secretly wish we had a plastic fork to stab them in the neck with it. Or if you are not inclined to violent tendencies, you have the perfect retort in your head but you hold your tongue because you don’t want to ruffle feathers.

When people say unkind things to us, our feelings are hurt. Instead of telling them that, and expressing our disappointment at their unkindness, insensitivities or our anger at their judgement, we cover it up with a smile- at times patronising, sometimes in genuine attempt to ‘love our neighbour as ourselves’ because we believe that by doing that, we are ‘loving them’. Other times, we don’t say a word but avoid that person for as long as it takes.

What is it about telling others how we feel that we find to be so challenging? Is it possible that maybe we fear that it may be done to us and although we say we would like to know what others feel, we actually don’t? Like many other things in life, in order for us to dish it out, we need to be able to suck it in- are you willing to hear the truth about yourself inasmuch as you’d like to tell the truth to someone else?

Taking it one step further, how do we express our genuine feelings to others without being demeaning, wrecking friendships and yet, still being able to go to sleep knowing that we have been authentic during our interaction with others? Is this now permission for everyone to be insensitive to each other and revisit primary school rationalisation of “you hurt me so I hurt you!”?

Maybe a more apt question is- how did Jesus do it? May that be our guiding light. My guiding light..

Of late I've been feeling a little disturbed by certain unmet expectations, and that has weighed down my heart and my lips quite abit. I guess, it is really time for me to quieten down and to seek Him in prayer.

Indeed, our awareness of His presence may falter, but the reality of His presence never changes. People who live together or hang out together long enough eventually begin to sound alike, to talk alike, even to think alike. So I pray, that as we walk with God, we'll take on His thoughts, His principles, His attitudes. and His heart..

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4: 8

"My crown is in my heart not in my head. My crown is called contentment."

of serious talks and jokes.

Today I learnt that I prefer a good balance of serious talks and jokes.

Having too much of either one feels like salt. A pinch will make all the difference in food. Put too much of it and the food becomes inedible.

is there no escape?

Maybe I asked the wrong question, thats why I'm not receiving an answer. Maybe God wanted me to ask another question? I wonder what though. Easier said than done- facing the realities of life. I am. but when that thing is ongoing I just feel helpless. really helpless and lousy. I know these thoughts are silly and useless but i really just feel like packing and leaving. At least thats something I can do, rather than just stay put, feel helpless and be under that thing's mercy.

I was actually pretty happy today until that thing started its thing again. Now, I'm feeling sick. Won't be for long though.

So I just got back from a fun and relaxing genting trip. It was nice just being in another place... did the usual touristy stuffs- shopped, ate, ate, ate..movies, ate, thrill rides and then we ate more. This time round I had the company of two very lovely girls :) had quite alot of fun laughing together, getting to know them better and stuffs. so thats good.

I actually planned to write more about the trip after I got enough rest..but turns out that im not quite in the mood now. So, we'll just let pictures do the talking yea :)

:)

Ok, not alot of photos here..havent actually sorted them out. :p

Before I end this entry though, special shoutout to JD: Yo man, hope u like your new toys..ehmz, i meant gifts. HAHAHA.. you've been a crazy and a really awesome friend~ i really appreciate your friendship, your lameness.. your maturity and sincerity beneath that joker facade...ahha.. thanks for that~ Have a great birthday ya ! May you grow taller this upcoming year.. lOL! Have a blast on your birthday my friend ! :D

Updates

Decembers tend to be good. At least I had a great start up till now. No big trips, don't really feel like it now. Wanna save for Europe and/or Eastern States trips..which will hopefully come to pass next year. Limited $, but quite a number of things I need to get.. new trainers, new specs, badminton racket.. and itching for a compact dSLR...since Leica M9 is so outta reach, im contemplating the EP2.. (okay. so one's a full frame, the other's a micro four third...sighs) haha. I'll wait la..delayed gratification (good predictor of success :p ). well, thats just me. travel, gadgets, travel, gadgets.... since young. but im actually not as spoilt as I sound. im pretty sensible if u know me well enough. haha. Hope to do relief teaching + private tutoring as main source of income next year. might also work at friend's cake shop during the weekends...more for the company since im comfortable with them, and prob i can pick up some baking skills too. haha. Im pretty motivated to keep myself super occupied in the upcoming year. I hope things work out.

I get tired though when i think of having to move house again. that'll make like the 3.5th time within a year. yeah, i noe, you'd prob be curious as to how i account for the 0.5 time right? not gonna explain here...cos thats one friggin insane story. i have difficulty believing it actually happened. but yeaps. 3.5 times. absolutely ridiculous. its tiring and stressful-an understatement.

Been good lately though. Enjoying various meetups, readings..and just doing stuffs that I like. Mum's quite ok too. Chiqui's...well, cheeky, cute and lovely as ever. Best dog anyone can get (okay so im biased, not a crime :p ) I love my mum and my dog. and im not saying it flippantly. I was extremely traumatised when i almost lost both of them. to the extent that i think im abit PTSD-ish now.. other than that, im aware that i have this one or 2 other issues that needs a lil 'ironing'.. not so sure how i wanna deal with them yet. should i even do anything abt it? some of my beliefs have been challenged. and im kinda thrown off balance. owells...we'll see.

I've been reading up, and doing some brainstorming (more on this in a seperate entry) for my upcoming course. I'm actually very motivated. But I don't feel 100% prepared for it. Im referring to mental+emotional state. Something is holding me back. Something's amiss. I'm not sure what. I think it might be a lack of predictability, stability and/or support. and I don't know how to rectify it. I guess I just have to make the best of what I have.

In other news, my mission to eat CLEAN hasn't been going on well. Too much junk. so much so that im falling sick. tragic. Today: Fish & Chips at Prof Brawn Cafe (pretty decent food! not too ex too...), topped with choc blended frappe (with whipped cream) at TCC. sighpies.

okla, i got distracted while blogging... now i cant rem what i've blogged and what i've missed out. if u havent already read enough, i shall close this entry with yet another random article. Check this out. pretty bizarre.

Goodnight ! :D

post edit: as my friend puts it quite aptly, it is loathsome when people apologises not because they were sorry for doing something wrong but because they were found out. Its in their voice when confronted with the truth. how very true.

all the way ! all the way !!

Forward ho!
Have a terrific tuesday ppl !

Lornie Trail

some random not-so-incy-wincy spider

Lornie Trail: Branded Imperial (s)

on a weird finger-look-a-alike plant.. really weird, dunno wat that plant's called. looks as though it has finger nails too.. eww

rest of the species were hmm...hibernating somewhere today. seems like i always spot the imperials.. Common Imperials rarer and nicer eh. AH next.

Bt Batok Nature Park

Malay Viscount (Tanaecia pelea pelea)

Although it's feasting on some really gross stuff here, and a little overexposed (sigh) and a lil blur (double sigh)... still my 1st shot of it. worth a post :)

I got another Branded Imperial, but with chipped wings and tail.. poor thg~ a white throated king fisher from afar.. and some sunbird thingy I didnt even bother ID-ing.

Not very nice weather for shooting lately. all the butterflies don't wanna come out play~

You may be really rich, but there are somethings you just can't buy.....









I'm referring to..................................

















the Leica M9~



I emailed a few of the Leica distributors in SG to checkout the price. It cost a whopping SGD$$10,083.00 (before GST)!! Wonder how much it's going for in Germany. Yes, its sold out, with no shipments advised~! Read from forums that it's all sold out in other countries as well. They prob did not manufacture alot of these mean machines... either that, or too many rich @sses around~

owells, not that I could afford it even if its not sold out~ haha. seriously, if a guy were to propose, jus do away with the diamond ring. lOL...propose with a Leica M9 and a Leica Noctilux 50mm f/0.95 (which costs more than the M9 itself at USD$11000) ~~ hahaha. i'll say yes, immediately!! :p

btw, the Patchi chocs are superbly yummylicious!!! very smooth and not too sweet ! :D

Professor Brawn Cafe

Check this cafe out ! Newly opened at Novena Square :D
The cafe's theme is based on a character created by a student from PL.. best part is, the cafe hires those who were previously from PL.. providing them with job opportunities, helping them integrate into society and stuffs~

Do show your support !! thanks~ ! havent been there myself, but i'll be heading down tmr ! haha~ will prob snap a few pics and post them up~ stay tuned ! or better yet, see you there folks!

random clip of the day

friend shared this. impressive obstacle clearing~ but somehow i don't feel motivated leh. i might have been last time. but now, im just in this whole nerd mode.. the few autism + counselling books on my desk excites me more than the thought of getting all fit and outdoorsy and stuffs.. (and when i get bored with psycho stuffs for the day, i pick up my current read- Beyond The Sky and The Earth: A Journey into Bhutan. Travel literature by Jamie Zeppa.. Into the 3rd chapter and am enjoying it alot. beautiful use of words. i might just book me a flight to bhutan after im done with the book. haha. im not joking! i really might do it :p)

anyway, YAY, GO ME! glory to the nerds !

well...that being said, don't stop jio-ing me out leh !! i still wanna do fun stuffs~~ LOL~ im just not into intensive training now :p

Btw, 10th - 12th Dec, i will be in genting~ woohoo~ ! if you miss me so much, SMS only, don't call pls. :p

wokay, goodnight. kungfu panda is on now. hahaha~ i need to get rid of this TV addiction. its bad. i know. keke :p

photo of the day.

First 'Consultation fee' - Patchi Milk Choc with Gianduja

good start i say.. will slowly savour it....hehehe :D

random photo of the day.

The Lone Flower;

Enjoying the breeze in its peaceful surrounding, or struggling to survive against all odds?

In the meadows gay you shall be;
as sunbeam shines of love and joy;

listen to the call of spring..

...and bloom,

one day,

you shall. (:

geez FB ~

goodness me FB.. i know i know.
stop it already~ tragic.

In remembrance so thats pretty nice, Murdoch Uni's gonna name a new tennis facility after you.

wahraoz !!!

SIGH !!!

what a day... i came back from my workout to realise water supply has been cut off. apparently theres a pump problem or sthg..

of all days...on a saturday !!?

-.-

My back has been aching alot :( any recommendations on chiropractors.. accupuncturists maybe? Whichever helps..

Help !

The winds of change are blowing again.

For better or worse, I don't know. Excitement and terror are two sides of the same coin. Same things, different perspectives. Just enjoy the ride...

...or, die in the crash. hurhurr

==================================================================

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul;
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;
for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever."

excuse my ignorance

While I was in Perth, I learnt that the hybrid of a spoon and fork is called a spork.
At P*thlight, I learnt what a skort is... im sure all of you can make a smart guess :p

This week feels exceptionally long. tiredy bees. Fun and interesting nonetheless..but tiring. Glad its Friday tmr, but I can't leave early cos I have to meetup with the parents tomorrow after school to review their child's performances n stuffs...scheduled 30min per parent, but I'm not too sure if they'll stick to that time frame. in all my dealings with kids, its the interaction with their parents that wear me out the most. I swear that I'll be the most difficult parent any teacher would come across in future..HAHA...jus kidding. :p Wooohoo..God bless me and my buddy teacher tmr.

So I received the official date for my last day at PL.. things have been going on at an exceptionally fast rate for me of late... in and outta job...stuffs happening, now im going back to studies. fwahh....how was all these even possible.

I'll miss my students sorely, but i guess i hafta do what is needed la..to better equip myself first, then step back into workforce. the flexible study schedule would be a welcomed change as well..

so there's PL sports day coming up (i've been sabo-ed to run with the kids in a relay!), MOE SPED day...then *pooooOf* ...taking off soon as student breaks for their hols...

wah wah wahhh........okay i just wanna sleep now.

i am so aunty.

i can talk non-stop on the how-tos of cooking...from style, to properties of each ingredients, preparation...health considerations....to grocery shopping...to ntuc link card.. to toasters, pots and pans. welldone me.

i love cooking okay ! who hasn't tried my cooking before? :p

so we've agreed right xin, haha.. im not aunty. right? :p im jus the new age Aizai. simi also can do ! sudsud ah !

..and I pray

I was really happy yesterday upon receiving the letter of acceptance, but somehow the thought going back to fulltime studies hasn't exactly sunk in. It's a pretty weird feeling. Although I've always wanted to, but never thought I would really be able to enrol in a grad program- especially with all that is happening at home now.

Besides being excited, I have my doubts about studying actually...Not that I doubt my own capabilities or anything.. But I still vividly recall my hons year when I received a really bad news from home. I did nothing but cried a 2 full weeks, thankfully i didn't turn blind, and somehow after that cut myself from all emotions. I felt nothing, and I did not think about anything at all, focused my energy and attention wholly to completing my units and thesis. It was a miracle I passed, and with pretty decent grades. I am very thankful. But it was a very very.......bad experience. Very sucky. Somehow still abit phobic.. I know once I start my course, I have to give it undivided attention, especially when researching for, and writing the dissertation. I don't know if I'll be strong enough if something drastic happens again during these 2yrs. Something worse than what just happened. I don't know what can be worse actually..but hmm, they always surpass themselves... I sound really helpless huh? hmm owells.

Sighs, I haven't prayed in a long long time. I've been really skeptical, I backslidded and denounced Faith even. I really don't know man. I've never asked for much. All I've ever really asked for is stability. I've never wished for great riches or anything. I just want a simple, stable life. Don't know if that's too much to ask. All of a sudden, I don't know what to pray for even though I feel like praying now. The Jabez prayer suddenly comes to mind though.. so here goes,

"Lord I pray that you would bless me and enlarge my territory. Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain. Amen"

my heart leaps for joy !!!

another step nearer to my dream...
and the journey begins. :)

Live well, my friends

Resumed work yesterday. Great to be back. What's even better- payday tmr, and 4 more weeks to hols. :)

So, more often than not, things don't always go according to plan.. But hey, I'm not going to worry.. for tmr will worry about itself. Can't say I'm at peace or totally comfortable (actually far from comfort..) now.. but even with all the recent happenings, I'm just glad to somehow still be able to find hope in life. Even if its a teeny weeny bit of hope, its still hope. If there ain't hope...life is still a duty. no? we've gotta complete it, well, somehow. It's easier said than done..but, still do-able. I'm not about to say anything about the ones who've decided to end their own life prematurely though.. just very thankful some failed and they get a 2nd chance, woefully, some succeeded. I'd like to remind that we can all make a conscious effort to be kinder to the people around us, be it in words..or go the extra mile in actions. We'll never know who needs that added dose of kindness and encouragement.. and even a mindless harsh/kind comment might just break or make one's life. More often than not, its really the extraverted and cheerful guy or the typical clown in the clique that feels most pain, loneliness and brokeness deep inside. So try not to assume and take things at face level. For those who are masking their deepest emotions, for those who are feeling really alone now..I'd just like to say that there are other avenues to seek help, there are people who really care and love (come to me at the very least if u really find no one, I'll make time for u :) )...There is hope as long as we choose not to give up. Take it from a person, who's going through a rough patch herself too.

My life.. In some sense, I've had a relatively easy one, but on another..its just really tough shit. As I grew older and supposedly wiser, things happened. Dreams started to fade and I was left with a whole new set of realities, the realities of responsibility. And soon, I caught myself looking back wondering where it all went wrong. I reflected...and reflected. But still.. I'm left clueless. Somehow just got thrusted into all these stuffs... Good thing is I've stopped asking why. "why is this happening to me"... but rather I've long accepted the realities of my life, I've accepted the present situation. Honestly, I fear- every single day. but I try not to let this fear paralyse me. I just give my very best..and really thank God for the morning light, for each new day.

How should I face all these? I'm not exactly sure.. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. is there a better way of handling my emotions and reactions towards these issues, any more that I could have done? I wish someone can tell me "hey you're doing fine, handing things the way you should.." or offer me a fresh perspective on matters. I don't mind getting told that I'm 'wrong' or there are ways that I cld improve..pride takes no hold over me as i earnestly seek solutions, to be a better person, to be a strong support for close ones who are in need, to be able to make firm and wise decisions when the need arises, to breakoff from this feeling of constant stagnation..

Owells...anyway...... im aizai, and im coping, but of course right.. :p Thankfully...work has been great. like super. I really love my students..that is when they don't do a major meltdown. aha... *sweats* Oh, today I learnt that one of my boys has a teddy bear named Bao, and Bao's birthday falls on Halloween..ahah. random. He's too cute..he loves eating..and everything to him revolves around food. like we say...have a terrific thursday, he'll say, "have a teriyaki thursday!" lOL... i'm just really glad to be working around these kids. its a real joy and blessing.

On to other random stuffs.. time to R&R. I love this song, and I still remember who gave me this album (i kept it well) :) It's weird how I associate songs/albums with different individuals. It could be shared memories, it could be the lyrics, it could be that the song was on billboard the period of time we always hang out, it could be the things we do together. It's just automatic, the song plays and image of that person will pop up in my mind. Well, I don't know..I think it happens to everyone right? hmm. ya I guess, or it could just be that I'm a sentimental freak. owells. doesnt matter. at least I know of a few other sentimental freaks too :)

Ok..really time to pen off. Enjoy the MV. Pssst- Don't miss the sunshine Aizai- because she never once left mah. haha. Still as genki as ever! See you all soon!

Crouching tiger, hidden entrance.

It's SA2 this week. So before the students took their papers.. we showed them this videoclip during one of their lessons. They enjoyed it..and learnt the 'moral of the story'. :)

Hope you'll enjoy too, its pretty cute.

In loving memory: Lawrance Chow

It's been surreal. I remember the last time we metup when u returned to SG for hols. You were just seated opposite me..we were sipping coffee, laughing, chatting just abt anything and everything under the sun. you said u'll call me when u come back next hols.. and you'll teach me tennis. I remembered how we first met at bushcourt- u as a freshie and me as an ogl...and how we hit it off so well and became gd frens since.. how we cooked together at your flat and had silly conversations and games.. I remembered your awesome birthday party at SV's recreation rm..and so much more good memories. now you're gone. i can't believe i'll never ever see you again. I miss you, Lawrance, Rest in Peace my dear friend...Love you.

Lawrance Tribute.. done by another friend.


Time is fleeting. Chase your dreams, life's too short to waste not living for what you truly believe in.

MK

last night. worth the wait.

i didnt dream it right. yeah. i think it was real. (:

Shell's promo + road works

Better just stay home till after 6pm.
Unbelieveble..

I'm still stucked in the jam! Hungry so very :(

This blog.

Was just looking at the archives at the right side of my blog.

54 months of my life's best and worst moments captured.

For that, I'm truly thankful and blessed.

...and i was excited, for a split second.

Mr Wise, "you have 2 ctrl keys. both doesn't work?"

indeed it doesnt. woe is me. someone help ! google failed me.. loL~ tsk...wth.

someone, anyone...help help!! well...it's like this. my keyboard shortcut keys decided to go on strike. how very friendly...sigh. so i can't do 'ctrl+c' 'ctrl+z'....and so on. has been going on for many days.. and i totally cannot tahan now. feel damn handicapped.

anyone has the answer!?

BoomZ

my friend shared this on FB, think its hilarious..so here it is. heh..

Wishlist: Kindle 2!

checkout this cool gadget here !! (:
Amazon giftcards/vouchers shall replace kino vouchers soon.....heehee.. :p

Day six + 7 ramblings..

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me that much" -Mother Teresa

I'm really really worn out.. But somehow I know I can persevere.. all these is gonna past. Even if it were to end in
a less-than-ideal way.. It's still gonna end, someday, somehow. I know I won't break just like that. Over the years
I'm pretty aware that I've kinda built up this resiliency..or I dunno what to call it, the ability to flow and adapt
to each circumstances that comes my way, fast. No matter how traumatising.. I get use to the idea and just continue
doing what I need to do.. No time to feel sad or ask why. That's just my life..and what i've taught myself over the
yrs facing all these issues alone. I know some people find this 'flexibility' hard to accept.. Either that, or
they just assume things are back to 'normal'..And i can hardly blame them. Though I'd hafta say, it gets quite
upsetting when this 'flexibility' masks the fact that deep down I wish people would care more abt how I feel or am
coping emotionally rather than flick it away as "she's strong she'll have no problem handling.."

I dun really know what I wanna bring across.. I just write..The blog being my most trusted outlet.. But it'll be a
mistake if one is trying to understand me or what's happening through this channel. Anyway I think I'm just tired and at moment saddened by some other stuffs.. Saddened by a sudden realisation. Sigh.. I should just re-align my focus and channel whatever energy I
have left on pressing matters ...

Nmind.. Aizai u can do it.

Very encouraged by JD and Xin.. Thanks u both. Really felt the love.. Everytime i see 'Chiqui', i can't help but
smile from the bottom of my heart.. And those mags..pleasantly surprised u guys rem what i love.. It meant more
cos I dont even rem wat I enjoy, or what i can do to relieve myself of these anxiety and other negative feelings..
And you guys .. Hmm cut it short, I felt comforted by both ur presence and how u both shared and opened up those
options to me..peppered with lame jokes as usual. :) Thank u..

我的心真的好痛..

啊..很辛苦，现在真真的体会到什么叫做'有苦难言'.

9th October 2009

... is a date that'll be etched in memory forever. The days that followed had been one of the most traumatising and difficult ones of my life.

Things aren't settled yet.. it won't be so soon I guess. My VP has given me 2 weeks off work, even before I requested, and I'm sure she'll grant me more time if need be. I am very thankful for such understanding and support from my workplace. They are really awesome peeps over at PL.

Darling I am very thankful that you rushed down to just be with me before heading to work.. to you and TPS who've helped me moved, and made a few visits, to the rest who've made an effort to meet me at where I am- not just physically but emotionally as well. Even though there were some help I declined, all has been deeply received and appreciated.

To brudder who has been with me almost throughout this ordeal, I can offer nothing else in return, except a lifetime of gratitude and friendship- the solid kind .. :)

Somehow, by having a heart of thanksgiving .. I am able to relieve some anxiety. Somehow amidst all these turmoil, I know I'm still blessed. The best proof is that mum's regained consciousness and out of ICU, she's still here with me.. and that though thoroughly worn out, I'm still here.

Alrights.. I don't really know how to end this, but just a note to say I'm ok thanks to u all. I need help and I'm thankful I received it.

Do keep us in prayers that these issues can be resolved with as little damage as possible, for my mum's health and well-being.. for me to remsin strong and hopeful..

人生自古谁无死，留取丹心照汗青

i will continue to work my very best, be with my mum, stay sane...and live out my beliefs and values...till my very last day.

thank u brudder.. 最讲义气，最照顾我的始终是你. having had this kinda friendship has made life at least more worthwhile..

at the point in time, where i feel hardly anyone can understand or is mature enough to understand what im going through.. i suddenly heard sthg that made me feel slightly encouraged. the intended said,"i'm not going to say 'it's alright' because it really is not." yes...that kinda honesty. someone ard me..is finally able to see it, or have the courage to speak the truth in kind and with empathy. yes..to say the truth, u'll defintely need courage + love...

the sad fact of life is that not everything is gonna turn out alright all the time. it can get from bad, to worse...and to a point where life just ends. there. thats it. have u really not seen or heard that happen before? have u not seen the lonesone granny who has to take care of her intellectually disabled grandson? or, of people who can hardly make ends meet till something drastic happens one after another? these arent exageration. i've seen it, i've tasted it, and im experiencing it, again. try telling them "everything is gonna be alright".. people need to wake up and realise the world isnt all rosy, with things ultimately falling into place just becos we think it should. there isnt a shld or shldnt in this world. nothing, absolutely nothing can be taken granted for. just becos u have something does not mean that you will have it forever, or that it is rightfully yours..or that somehow u earned it. be thankful that u've been blessed with it, safety, a roof over ur head, steaming bowl of rice, parents who nag at u, bothersome work... cos when u lose it one day, u'll wonder why u didnt do everything in your capacity to maintain or defend it.

so, what is the point of saying something that you don't even believe in yourself? how much of an impact is that gonna make? i am definitely not a pessimist. for i wldnt have made it thus far if i was one...neither wld i say i am an eternal optimist cos that's jus lying to oneself...which does one no good in the long run. i just strive for truth.

im getting really tired with hearing alot of patronising stuffs... politically correct stuffs.. stuffs you should say to another when one is down. stuffs that do not reflect thoughtfulness and true care and concern.. ask ourselves, how many of us now, really take the time to care for people who are supposedly close to us? closest friends...family...whoever. one can say "i love you" and then disappear for the next few mths, "i love you" and the next min do something intentionally just to make you feel bad and themselves feel good. "I love you" and then do something drastic to contradict what has been said without even realising it..or admitting the fact that hurt has been caused. how many of us, actually take ownership of the things we say and our own thinking processes. people jus blurt things out that sounds profound and right, without even understanding the true meaning or implications.. if i dare make a bold statement that we're mostly mechanically thinking the thoughts of others and swallowing them without even careful examination. mechanically plucking out right phrases and standard phrases to say at standard situations. certainly we should listen to the thoughts of others and weigh them but we should never swallow whatever we hear wholly. people jus mindlessly pluck phrases and use them without thinking. think think think..thinking takes time and alot of effort, but that is still time that should be spent. i really detest it when i see people nodding and nodding their head without really taking time to further digest what has been said. look more like an airhead to me with screws on their neck loose..

sometimes, its really not in the things that has been said or that should be said. but rather the genuine heart, and being available that actually speaks multitudes.

im prob really frustrated and my tone might come across as harsh now. and frankly i cant be bothered to rephrase my words. but wadever... life's harsh. my entry is not aimed at making u feel comfortable and nice abt yourselves...cos there are enough people out there who go out of their way to please everyone. im not one of them. im not directing this at anyone in particular.. .or blaming anyone for anything. its just this world in general... is made up of too much mediocrity. so much so that it has become a norm, and it wld come across as weird to make a fuss outta it. tragic isnt it. people randomly complain abt "whats wrong with the world nowadays" without even realising that the problem is just beneath their own nose. people who are genuine, sincerely cares are really few and far between. and if u can find one during ur life time, just one,...consider yourself truly blessed.

this isnt to say i dun have solid frens ard me...i do have, its just..i dunno how to put it, on a different platform.

choose to agree or not agree...or think thru what i've written and grow together. im always willing to listen to the truth. nothing angers and disappoint me more than mediocrity and lies.

seriously;

Dear Mr. God,

You and I, we need to talk.

help, im alive.

the guy is crazy.

vegetarian anyone? :p

eat less meat, heh..its healthier that way also :p then again, this goes beyond our own health. all of us have a moral imperative on sustainability matters.

"the poor cannot afford bread, rice or other staple foods, let alone meat, fish and a whole range of fruit and vegetables. What is an even more devastating fact is that the world actually produces enough food to feed the entire population but an enormous proportion of that food is used to feed livestock for the affluent first world markets....... .. it takes 13kg of grain to produce just 1kg of beef and 6kg of grains to produce 1kg of pork. Eighty percent of the world's soya beans are eaten by animals..." -excerpt from the special report, prime.

i don't think i can forgo meat altogether.. but i'll try to eat less meat..hmm and i'll commit to a vegan diet 1 week per month. wokay ~ 就这样！gradual change, easy does it !

btw, since ..... very long ago. i've always been super irked by those who waste food on camp games or wadever games. like throwing flour around.....using fruits or wadever. very super irritated. the last i remembered being irked was at a camp... and i was upset with myself for not speaking up. i did try to opt out, but i remembered being forced to go through those games somemore.... sighs, becos i did not provide the reason at that point in time. i wonder why. not very like me to not speak up. anyway i hope i don't come across these kinda things anymore...but if i do, i will definitely give these people a piece of my mind. for sure.

we've heard this a million times, people are starving..but how many of us really do anything abt it? we just flick the responsibility to those whom we've elected as representatives...or just leave it to the other proactive ones. then ease our guilt by saying "i can't do much anyway..". we don't have to give, if its beyond our financial means..... for starters, we can do simple things like change our eating habits, don't have to stuff till super full, don't waste food, don't play with food, take only what you can eat...i think helps to a certain extent too.

ooh... okay...my mind suddenly wandered to the past while blogging and i got slightly worked up. haha.. okay.. im actually in a very relaxed state now. this post was pretty random cos i saw the article and wanted to share. din mean to write that much. hurrhurr..

i had a great weekend ! hope u all did too, ready for work again !

goodnight all ! ♥

yeah !

today is a good day ! woohoo !! not just cos it's the weekends.. more because i had mini success in some of the intervention techniques that i tried. it was a challenging day today, and im really glad i overcame it. some breakthroughs in terms of interpersonal relationships at work too !

today also marks the end of the 3 week intensive induction program. as i chart my own observations, reflections and growth.. i was able to gain more insights as to which aspect i should work on...and stuff. amazing, i really love what im doing now. having worked as a psychologist..and now as a teacher. i am able to see from 2 perspectives...which is the gap that i really hope to fill in. now as a teacher, i get 'recommendations' from therapist that is pretty impossible to implement in class, because i do not have the luxury of a one-to-one coaching with the particular student who presents with a number of issues..not jus academics. but i am hopeful abt this..and am determined to work things out with the therapist and to find the best solution for my student. hopefully in future when i assume the role of a therapist/psychologist again... i am able to make better recommendations to better facilitate a child's learning, as well as take into consideration the limitations that a teacher has in class. after 3 weeks, the role of me being a SPED teacher, has finally sunk in. although it was by choice, i still needed sometime to get used to that idea. i don't feel that one can turn into a teacher overnight, just because one has signed the letter of appointment. but i believe that comes with experiencing, and taking time to own that role in one's heart. now that im not as overwhelemed with the new working hrs and environment.. i am starting to appreciate my choice better...and finally feel that hey, yes.. i am walking in the right direction. this was the path that i chose, and this is what i want. to teach. to make an impact. to transform lives.

falling into place...things are starting to fall into place ! nicely earned weekend..hehe, shall enjoy and rest well. im so ready for the next week ! yeahh~ let it roll~~ btw, it is gonna be stressful next week.. becos i will have to undergo observations..appraisal and stuffs. oh and another thing, although realistically speaking..u wldnt like everyone u meet at a typical work setting.. but somehow, i've always been blessed to have really nice people working closely with me. have always been fortunate in this aspect :) very thankful for this.

goodnight ! have a great weekend everyone, and 中秋节快乐！

the world gone bonkers part 1

checkout these losers
i don't understand what the deal is with some guys? what's the point of going for form without the substance? in my view, form comes naturally when there is substance. 虚有其表又何苦？ what's the point of putting up a front, looking nice on the outside.. but getting it all messed up where it really matters? what a total waste of time, energy and money. these losers totally deprive themselves chances of finding any true happiness. then again, for one who intentionally does something just to cause a loved one discomfort out of jealousy and pride.. is still far from reaching happiness.

Dreams do come true (:

Our kids love their school song. they clap and sing really enthusiastically. and I like how they jump to the word "Yeah", "Dreams Come True".. "Yes They Do !"

Check out Pathlight's School Song here.. :)

Dreams do come true,

and I believe with all my heart;

And my day fills with hope

and joy from the start!

You come with me,

and I will show what love can do

It can heal,

we can make our dreams all come true.

Chorus 1

PathLighters go!

We will show to all the world...

Though the road is long,

with our song, we will be bold!

Dreams do come true

the dark and cloudy skies may come...

Never fear, soon it will be here the morning sun!

Dreams do come true,

I see the light that shines on me;

Helping friends be the very best they can be!

PathLighters give!

We shall live to serve the world!

Though the road is long,with our song,

we will be bold!

We will be strong, yeah!

March on and on!

Hear our Song!

Dreams do come true,

and I will show what love can do

It can heal, we can make our dreams

all come true. (Dreams come true)

Dreams come true! (Yes, they do!)

All my Dreams, (do come true)

will come true!

Happy Children's Day to all~ May we learn to have faith like a child...

believe that Dreams do come true.. (:

I had fun today, but pretty tiring cos the kids were quite high. primary track had a whole day of celebration today.. ate, watch movies, had celebration performances by teachers.. it was hilarious. did i mention, my kids love dancing! they have dance as their cca this semester, and even though dancing may not be one of their finer talents, its really really such a blessing to be able to watch them do it.. loL~..takes all the weariness off me. such an adorable class. even the ones who have some gross motor skill diffculties groove readily to the music.. i saw one of my favourite kid use the dance moves at today's celebration~ wat a joy to work amidst these kids.... i also had my share of pizza, ice-cream and snacks..haha. and thankfully the scheduled workshop was cancelled.

not all rosy; then after i had a very upsetting conversation with the consultant and therapist at my school before the day ended. sighs. its one of those long-story kinda story. so not blogging abt it. all i feel like saying now is that its significantly more difficult to settle down at P*thlight, than when i was at the DAS. this is so much more challenging (which was what i wanted lar, thats why i left, right...so im not complaining).. but its really tough... im okay if i close an eye, or wanna scrap by, but im not that kind....first time feeling helpless.. not enough tools in my toolkit. but then again, its only my third week, shan't stress myself out too much now. need time to acquire skills... but huh...can't help feeling lousy at times. anyway, thankfully no sch tmr...but i doubt i get rest. there are readings to be done, and dad's in hospital again... starting my 东游记 again. pray everything's gonna be okay.

Photo of the day

sigh

Counting down: 68 days to holidays..haha

so im thinking of a hokkaido ski trip with new found frenz..or should i go melbourne to look for an old friend and freeload? loL ..considering i've never been to melb...but he's gonna be there for 4yrs.. so no rush also ler.. oh yah.. hello twin, any thoughts of returning to ur old home?!?!? haha... :p that'll be a nice place to explore ! haha

anyway, some friends asked if i wanna go HK, others asked about Taiwan..... but im thinking of somwhere further leh.... kakis?? how? hmm.....then again, i've never been to batam. haha. oh and was it the last post that i talked abt the 'unfrenly' sch working environment..apparently it has changed. haha. one colleague randomly asked me to go somewhere for hols after reading my msn nick~ shocking~ anyway..... when im not thinking abt work. im thinking abt travel and food. loL~ what else occupies my mind uhh....*shrugs

weekends over, just like that ! and its nearing October. i'll prob get to know results for my masters application coming Oct.. though its no biggie to not get in this round.. but still, i super dread the feeling of getting rejected. zzz. owells....

omgosh.....too quick. too quick.

Photo of the day

My new ride !

Chiqui wanna go for a ride on Aizai's Sparkie~

goody good day

finally got enough rest, and tomorrow being another restful day makes me happy. very happy. thank god for hari raya. loL.. haha. don't get me wrong, im totally enthusiastic abt my work...and up till now happy with the job scope. BUT, its been physically and mentally draining. i got a bad headache and fell sickish by end of the week. seriously. so weak. haha. then, managed to resolve some issues at home too~ which is pretty good.. at least for now.

Havent gotten use to the culture in school, or maybe i did not have time to know the culture yet. cos the school is SO big..with close to 200 staffs, no one really bothers to be friendly, stop for a chat..or even smile at us! everyone just walk past us 3 new teachers, doing their own things. Though i did thick-skinly approach and talk to a few la.. and thankfully they reciprocated in kind. lOL.. we thought it was pretty weird at first. i guess, should need more time to make some friends. got to know a few seasoned teachers better.. mainly cos they are the subject teachers for my class. owells..thats my 1st week. take it easy yea... the rest of the stuffs..not too nice to share here also la.. ethical concerns, and apparently p*thlight's pretty sensitive about all these issues which is understandable. I don't wanna be the next booboo on headlines.. teacher blogged abt blahblah...kena sued. haha. -_-"

OBS mailed me my cert. haha. the one that i lost ! cool stuffs...darling i got written prove now..haha... i've got courage, perseverance, discipline, teamwork, tenacity and leadership. :p oh and i received the sundown marathon completion cert too with an official timing of 07:30:16:17. nice numbers. haha

highlight of this entry- Yes..ladies and gentlemen... im getting a bike. woohoo..cheapcheap gets me to work safe, and brings me home fast. i got my mum's consent too. how cool. who's going for class 2A or heading to BBDC for any driving lessons? can go together..i wanna continue my Class 2A already.. but probably during October. so..i've kinda decided to get a sports bike. i mean...why not, i think i'll only get to do this kinda thing once in a lifetime. ahaha.. i dun fancy myself on a sports bike when i become an auntie. scooter still can lar.. :p okay la..i know some of u dearies would be shaking head liow, i will ride safe :D im excited, i really love riding !

life life life... sunny days, rainy days.. seasons where the rain just pours like nobody biz.. sky clears abit...then before you know it, start pouring cats and dogs again. yah kena cheated a few times. -_-" but seems like, it's really really clearing up now... now waiting for rainbows leh. haha. but i really appreciate these heavy downpours in my life... makes me cherish more of what i have now, who i have with me...in a sense, i gained clarity. so there.. :)

once again, reminded of how fleeting life is, makes me wonder why there are so much conflicts around, fighting to feel superior, arguments, to be number #1, to 挣那口气, pridefulness... when everything turns to dust when we pass on eventually. why can't people see what's really important. when u feel u've won...u've actually lost. and vice versa.

anywayyy...... woohoo...! Hokkaido skiiing trip pending end of year !! i love sch hols ! wanderlust forever acting up~ see the world !! haha..darling can join? can guess with who..? :p loL~ or, we can plan other destinations ourselves. im eyeing a few destinations liow :p plan plan plannn, must go somewhere far and fun.

wah piang. this week is shiong. very shiong.

goodnight all.

My name is Ms Nona.

Thats how the students and my colleagues call me- Ms Nona. It has been a really tiring day ! Almost no rest at all, standing the whole day, bombarded with information... and stuffs. All these in exchange for the valuable opportunity to interact with the students....all i can say is, its totally worth it. These children are really pure in heart.. and its been said that "the pure are filled with joy" ...and i guess thats what grounds the teachers in pathlight. at least..thats what i think for now. :) hey its my first day :p

I can't drive to school this semester, limited parking slots available...~~~ arghh......but there are other perks that come with working at Pathlight..haha. i can wear sneakers+jeans (and even 3/4s)+polo tshirts to work everyday. loL... also, theres a Mr Bean Kiosk in school and i pay staff price cheap cheap! joy !

there are lots more interesting and juicy stuffs that happened today...mainly my experiences with the students.. but im really really tired now. so i'll just save those for catching up sessions and my induction class support reflection forms that i have to fill in every single day...which has to be submitted eventually. Im not complaining, its a really good exercise...forces us to really observe. one of the section requires us to list 3 positive behaviours from the child/children. so thats 15 positive behaviours in a week. can u find 15 positive behaviours from me within a week if u were to see me everyday? hahaha... i wonder :p

okay...im gonna sleep now !!

sunshine rainbow lovin' yo !

I feel super healthy today. chasing frisbees, beach volleyball and netballing under the oh-so-scorching sun ~ i hope i dun peel tomorrow. i can't even remember when was the last time i headed to sentosa for such activities. hello kakis, i think we should try this like bi-monthly.....or something like that. not very troublesome actually, the train from vivo to sentosa's really fast and cheap.




it has been a fun-filled and packed weekend. i was told specifically to rest well over the weekends...becos its gonna be shiong the 1st 3 weeks of work, stretching to 5pm on somedays. and guess what, i saw the HR officer who processsed my application at vivo just now. what a coincidence...win liao loh. haha.. owells.

and hey, thanks for the night out at timbre, good food (lousy salty margarita), good ambience, goodiest company. haha. i think we were too excited with the food and talking through the night at timbre that we forgot to take photos~! how can we..haha, take double when we meetup after i get my first pay. woohoo~

also, managed to get some stuffs that has been bothering me for the past year off my chest too. i can't control how people generally react or how appreciative they are of the heart i put in, or whether the intended actually felt this was neccessary, but i made a conscious choice and effort to be true to myself and the values (to live simply. to always love generously. to care deeply, to speak kindly, and to never withold the best that i can give) i hold dear to. even though i dun feel any/much change from the intended and was even probably abit disappointed by some of the reactions/exchanges thereafter.. i still feel a major change in my own heart and attitude towards this whole hoohaa. freedom of choice is the prerequisite for love. by that, i meant any kind of love. sincere loving friendship or a romantic relationship. the point is, i've found my peace.

all in all, nice mini bursts of activities before i start work! im psyched ! the thought of me being a special education teacher hasnt exactly sunk in.. haha..still pretty unbelievable~ but AIZAI is committed to give her best ! wish me luck friends ! woohoo~ goodnight !!

Seems like its been quite awhile since I blogged any photos. Have not even got those chinook photos from my friend. Jump was enjoyable, but it wasn't fantastic. I had a really good laugh, the stunts were pretty good, but paled in comparison to Breakout.

Brudder and me, tkd kakis, my shifu in his bruce lee-ish costume, smiley brudder and me again..and the stage~

So when the rest proceeded to Comex, brudder and me wisely chose to leave the crowd and caught The Cove. If you're going to watch one show this year, The Cove is the movie for you. Alright, I just made a bold statement there, however, I do watch a lot of movies and I know what constitutes a good show and what doesn't. Stuffs like FD2009 = Epic Fail. Though I happen to know people who loved the show to bits... *shrugs

Anyway it's a non-fictitious show about this town in Japan who appears to love whales and dolphins because they have dolphins on their pavements, on their buildings, etc. But there's a little cove out of sight from everyone where the dolphins get mass slaughtered, brutally. So this guy, who's the creator of the Flipper dolphin series recruits a team like Ocean's Eleven with different specialities to expose this secret. Like one guy is an expert with hidden cameras, two world record holders for free diving, someone from Industrial Light & Magic to make the props to hide the cameras. I was pretty disturbed and upset watching the film.. Given the level of mercury in the dolphin, one would be practically consuming poison.. but where there's money to be made, there are atrocities to be committed. Tragic. Its all the more timely and hurtful that The Cove is screened now because dolphin harvesting starts every September..

What struck me was also about this guy (who created the Flipper series) was also responsible for pioneering the seaworld kinda attractions where dolphins were caught and kept in captivity. He spent 10yrs helping to develop the whole model before realising that what he was doing is wrong..and went on to spend the last 35yrs trying to right his wrong. That's moral obligations, bravery and responsibility for you.

If you're still not convinced to watch this, it won the 2009 Sundance documentary, rottentomatoes.com gave it a 94% rating, and it's the frontrunner to win Best Documentary at the Oscars. Unfortunately it's only showing at Europa (Vivo) and Plaza Singapura. Trust me, I guarantee it'll be worth the money and your time.

Okok, let's end the day lightheartedly with photo of the day. HAHAHAH

hahaha!!

an absolute gem~ bestest brudder :D

IT'S OFFICIAL !

argh ! today is not a good day !!

i missed takeshi's show 死神的秘密！it was on !! :( rawrrr i've been wanting to catch that.

tragic, isnt it? im starting to appraise my days based on the shows i catch/miss.
the sad, lonely existence of aizai.

alrights...lets see what else is on later :p

*im a lil under the weather today too, can't really focus on what I read.. think i woke too damn early today !

Post Edit: I had my phone turned to silent...and fell asleep at 9pm+... then my very good friend very de smart, called my house phone and woke me up. haha...zz. HEng it was good stuff, loL~ called to ask if I wanna go AOH tmr, he might be able to get me a ride on the chinook ! yays~! excited !!! hopefully really get to ride!!~wokay im bringing my D200...think grow cobwebs liow (psst, im gonna use my brand new crumpler tmr, finally. hahaha.. dun complain say i nv use..i finding auspicious day ahah :p). haha, my headache suddenly gone..can crap liow! ~ yesh !

Darling, this is for you !

加油 ！！:)

love you ! ♥

sweet as ever

somethings never change :)



got home from nationals and dinner, flicked on the tv and found out that one of my fav stephen chow's movie was about to screen. timely, how nice. what a nice relaxing and peaceful day.

"you're either an activist or an inactivist"

Check this out (:

and for people who loves seafood

make informed choices, take ownership of your own health and play a part in eco-conservation ~
fwahh.... there's a sushi selector section. should check this out before we sushi-tei later.

Just cos u dun feel the direct impact of ur choices now, doesnt mean you won't pay for it later~ charge interest one. i mean, nature. not me. haha. if u still dun give a hoot abt conservation... then think about the built up toxins in your body when u ingest all those mercuries, and it's consequences few years down the road. ya ya...start buying insurance.

Hey !!?

so who's the anonymous grammar nazi who left the comment?

its okay if you dun wanna identify yourself.. loL but thanks alot for the ehmmz...interestingly subtle encouragement! :p

i think i just moved to 3rd gear ! :D

"I am pleased to inform you that..."

simply music to my ears

Hmm...Jackie who!?

I just received THE Call of the century.. (weirdly) abt 15min ago !!

its gonna be a mind-boggling week !!

focus focus !!

emotions-that-serves-no-purpose.. be gone !!

F O C U S !!

u all dunno me well enough

xiaowawa: thats our ooi ooi spirit. aizai !

i say...correction. thats only 1/4 of my spirit. the full one is..

aizai, ai sud, ai piah...ai swee !!

since im such a 有深度的人...dun blame u all la...slowly get to know me okay. hahaaaha

we're so going 2....

Thanks for lunch Mr Headless, enjoyed it..more so for the company :p

We didn't quite get it, even plain water was 1-for-1..

Waitress showing us in ,"table for? 2? alright...clearing table, give me 2min"

(i mean, why not a min..or 5min? it has to be 2min)

so anyway, its..

ssiimmppllyy two-rriffic 2day

final destination (2009) is horribly.....horrible. dun catch it, unless ur a fan of blood, gore, lousy cinematic effects and mediocre storyline. i was never a fan of this movie series, or rather, i never liked any of these shows (the original FD was okay la. but u just need to catch that one. the rest is crap).. anyway, somehow i still managed to watch all of them :s hmm i dunno why. i think its one of those 天时地利人和 theory..haha. just happened to be on TV when i was free..and somehoww i never get interrupted watching those films. and i was never tired enough to just doze off midway. unlike films that i wanna concentrate on...i always get called off to do other stuffs. or i'd be too tired my eyelids weighed a ton. zzz. can u believe it.. i so wanted to watch narnia... but i was so tired that period of time...i succeeded only on the 4th try. i slept midway the first 3 tries. not that it was boring...i love the show, i was jus too tired. i know, very random piece of information.. and.. same thing with pirates of the caribbean: dead man's chest. i succeeded only at the 3rd try.

so we never planned to catch a movie today. just random. wanted to watch UP.. but it wasnt on...and i have no idea why we picked FD out of the four movies that were still screening at that time. wokay......after reading this whole chunk of blabbering....the essence is still in my first sentence- fd (2009) is horrible.

but other than that.... today was kinda therapeutic. getting to meet the clique.. and just catch up. hopefully, when we meet again, it'll be at a happier and more appropriate place. though you dun read this, my heart goes out to you and your family my friend. take good care.

and of cos..once again im thankful for my dear brudder, heres another guy i can always count on! :) my super4 cab came at the right time, and on time :) sturdy pompeepee.. :) i hope the latte's not gonna interfere in my sleep later..

and...somehow, i love the last conversation i had today. it was strangely, nice.

OWELLzz...so there, bits and pieces of my day. started off rainy, but cleared towards the end.

....rainbows rainbows..wherefore art thou rainbows?

"What I talk about when I talk about running"

I'm done with the book. It's an interesting read with a few nice touches that I enjoyed. I like it as well that I was able to identify with some of his thoughts and feelings.. brought me back to the days where I ran almost everyday in Perth, sometimes even twice a day..for at least an hour each. I like some of the metaphors he used.. and the way he describes his inner state as a distance runner.. There were other themes and stuffs that I found questionable though. But of course, it's the author's memoir.. there's no need for me to agree on everything I read. Also, granted that English isn't his native language.. we might like to cut him some slack in terms of overall prose style.

I'm a happy and satisfied reader. Non-fictions captures me somehow~ Anyway, I'm not too sure how non-runners would rate this book. So, if you're interested, and IF you can handle books with care, I'll be happy to lend it to you. :p Then we can share our thoughts over a good cuppa :D

"I look up at the sky wondering if I'll catch a glimpse of kindness there, but I don't. All I see are indifferent summer clouds drifting over the Pacific. And they have nothing to say to me. Clouds are always taciturn. I probably shouldn't be looking up at them. What I should be looking at is inside of me." Haruki Murakami

AIZAI !!

m o t i v a t i o n

r e n e w e d ! ! !

*still (indefinitely) sian on some issues.........zzz

Sorry couldn't make it to KPO today~ was looking fwd~~

stucked in second gear.

at least im not in neutral or reverse la.. just not moving towards my goal(s) as fast i want to.. slow and steady. so slow frustration mounts at times.. but, still steady. aizai. as life would have it..one just cant be cruising on highway all the time ya.. so its really not that big a deal. going at my own pace oblivious to others' expectations and the world's standards. and i was just telling zw that i'll reach top gear before people know it.. and he'll start to 'pi yan' liow...haha... which is good..cos most poeple will 'pi bo yan' ahah.. justt joking..cruise along with me ya. haha :p

anyway.. august aint a good month. yuckie.. too eventful- not always a good thing. so sept's rolling in.. will see what comes up then. im more excited (or rather jittery) abt october.... ah owells~

im tired again. been driving alot lately. something i don't enjoy. well i dun mind long road trips abroad... i dun mind the wide and long freeways (normally comes with a view + good company).. but not too much driving in sg and at weird timings too...zz...... i really dun like driving...u all know that? and if i've volunteered driving any of you ard..or fetched any of u here n there... then u've gotta noe ur one helluva special person to me, and i love you. haha.. i miss my vespa. i miss riding. sometimes i feel like secretly getting a bike man..haha.... but okay la..make do with pillion riding loh. haha.... dialling 1800-super4-cab.

lately, i've done things i never did before. and somehow by doing all those things....i adopted a new mindset.. i dun quite know how to put it into words now.. but i guess....i've finally learnt to accept some stuffs.. ever heard that acceptance is the first step to recovery/success? acceptance- to accurately perceive and acknowledge realities....sounds simple and obvious, but in practice it’s extremely difficult, especially when it involves chronic difficulties in a particular area of life..

SIGH, okay la... im just blabbering whatever that comes to mind now..

music music is good.. can't live a day without music.
david gate's playing now~ awesome stuff.. goodnight people.

Love Story meets Viva La Vida (:

I love both songs.. mesh these 2 songs together.. and u get an awesome piece too!
This guy's really talented! Enjoy !

Superstar Conversation

I was at newton hawker centre, and was ordering food from one of the hawkers.

Auntie: u wanna see Zhang Zi Yi?
Me: harrr?
Auntie: u wanna see Zhang Zi Yi?
Me: uhmmmmz...... huhh??
Auntie: see Zhang Zi Yi ahh....superstar mahh... u know her?
Me: errrrrrr... ya i know.. see her forwhat?
Auntie: go go see... superstar. the one with shades on her head, under the first umbrella from here..
Me: orhhhh.......

and i was wondering the whole time what the hawker auntie was up to....she was all smiles and super friendly...i tot she was trying to sell me pirated VCDs of zhangziyi or sthg...

So there, i saw superstar zhang zi yi at newton hawker centre today.

今天的心情突然平复很多。。 虽然许多事的确不如意，而且令人非常痛心。。 但其中也有很多‘不幸中的大幸’。

things could have been alot worse. good news is, dad's recovering steadily..both physically and mentally..seemed okay. back to his usual self when i visited him today. somehow..i guess thats good. bills arent as exorbitant as we thought it'd be.. so that's one load off. but there are other considerations as well.... trying not to complicate my own perception of this whole matter, my emotions and thoughts with what really needs attention now. one step at a time then.

i realise on some matters.. there's just no choice. there's no right or wrong, it doesn't matter if you agree or not. and it certainly does not matter how i feel. what needs to be done.....has to be done. i dunno how healthy that is mentally.. denying one's feelings and values... and then going ahead to just get things done. doesnt matter if what i say makes no sense to u..

i just pray that mum and me can both get a good night's rest today. she's been extremely tired since all these happened. the last thing i want is for her health to further deteriorate. as for me..i wake up every morning feeling really lethargic too.

do keep us in prayers. thanks all.

weekends are here..suddenly feel like bball again. wanna breakout in abit of sweat.. but im pretty sick of running. anyone on?

goodnight for now

life.

some people...are just there in your life to purely disappoint and to cause trouble.. some barge into your life, take a crap and run off leaving u to clear their shit.. some just like to act like they're damn happy as though nothing has happened.. some just cant be bothered.. some like to hide.. some act like they care alot, make alot of noise, but its all superficial..

really can see alot when one is down in the pits.
no, im not depressed.

im not as cool about things as i look. its total upheaval inside. dealing with uncertainties, dealing with stuffs that i have no control over..

but so what?

handle as best as i can when theres a situation, solve the problems at hand, plan ahead... but be as flexible as i can.. ppl tell me to be strong. i am, aint i?

still trying to find a reason to smile sincerely each day.. trying to be thankful for each and every small thing that comes my way, for each and every kind passing remarks and encouragements.. though few and far between, for the genuine loving kindness that i can feel from people around..

i've my limits tested over and over and over again. each and every time..i said i had enough. how many more blows can i handle? how many more times can i break till i shatter? i have no idea.

so we've heard, the hour before dawn is the darkest? is it nearly dawn yet? :'(
im all choked up. i cant breathe.

moral obligations, responsibility...practical issues.. self-worth.. the sense of being so alone at times, fatigue from this neverending battle.... ahhh im so tired !! sometimes i just need to be alone, yet there are times when i need people to hold my hand tightly, telling me they're with me each step i take.

handle the hurt, the pain. swallow it, suck it in. move on. i only have this much time for self-pity. move on Jing.

can i have this night to breakdown before i move on...? isit really gonna be better tmr..?
i am overwhelmed with emotions now, it hurts so bad..so bad.

i noe, i'll be stronger after tonight. i will.