..and I pray

I was really happy yesterday upon receiving the letter of acceptance, but somehow the thought going back to fulltime studies hasn't exactly sunk in. It's a pretty weird feeling. Although I've always wanted to, but never thought I would really be able to enrol in a grad program- especially with all that is happening at home now.

Besides being excited, I have my doubts about studying actually...Not that I doubt my own capabilities or anything.. But I still vividly recall my hons year when I received a really bad news from home. I did nothing but cried a 2 full weeks, thankfully i didn't turn blind, and somehow after that cut myself from all emotions. I felt nothing, and I did not think about anything at all, focused my energy and attention wholly to completing my units and thesis. It was a miracle I passed, and with pretty decent grades. I am very thankful. But it was a very very.......bad experience. Very sucky. Somehow still abit phobic.. I know once I start my course, I have to give it undivided attention, especially when researching for, and writing the dissertation. I don't know if I'll be strong enough if something drastic happens again during these 2yrs. Something worse than what just happened. I don't know what can be worse actually..but hmm, they always surpass themselves... I sound really helpless huh? hmm owells.

Sighs, I haven't prayed in a long long time. I've been really skeptical, I backslidded and denounced Faith even. I really don't know man. I've never asked for much. All I've ever really asked for is stability. I've never wished for great riches or anything. I just want a simple, stable life. Don't know if that's too much to ask. All of a sudden, I don't know what to pray for even though I feel like praying now. The Jabez prayer suddenly comes to mind though.. so here goes,

"Lord I pray that you would bless me and enlarge my territory. Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain. Amen"

sunshine rainbow lovin' yo !

I feel super healthy today. chasing frisbees, beach volleyball and netballing under the oh-so-scorching sun ~ i hope i dun peel tomorrow. i can't even remember when was the last time i headed to sentosa for such activities. hello kakis, i think we should try this like bi-monthly.....or something like that. not very troublesome actually, the train from vivo to sentosa's really fast and cheap.




it has been a fun-filled and packed weekend. i was told specifically to rest well over the weekends...becos its gonna be shiong the 1st 3 weeks of work, stretching to 5pm on somedays. and guess what, i saw the HR officer who processsed my application at vivo just now. what a coincidence...win liao loh. haha.. owells.

and hey, thanks for the night out at timbre, good food (lousy salty margarita), good ambience, goodiest company. haha. i think we were too excited with the food and talking through the night at timbre that we forgot to take photos~! how can we..haha, take double when we meetup after i get my first pay. woohoo~

also, managed to get some stuffs that has been bothering me for the past year off my chest too. i can't control how people generally react or how appreciative they are of the heart i put in, or whether the intended actually felt this was neccessary, but i made a conscious choice and effort to be true to myself and the values (to live simply. to always love generously. to care deeply, to speak kindly, and to never withold the best that i can give) i hold dear to. even though i dun feel any/much change from the intended and was even probably abit disappointed by some of the reactions/exchanges thereafter.. i still feel a major change in my own heart and attitude towards this whole hoohaa. freedom of choice is the prerequisite for love. by that, i meant any kind of love. sincere loving friendship or a romantic relationship. the point is, i've found my peace.

all in all, nice mini bursts of activities before i start work! im psyched ! the thought of me being a special education teacher hasnt exactly sunk in.. haha..still pretty unbelievable~ but AIZAI is committed to give her best ! wish me luck friends ! woohoo~ goodnight !!

suck it in !

I can't deny that after much failures...self-confidence has wavered. Yarps, sad but true. I use to have this belief that I can achieve anything as long as I want to. However, circumstances has rendered me helpless of late. I cannot (and will not) let negative thoughts and emotions engulf me- thus the need to constantly be involved in activities, and to taste success. I do not wish to put up a false front telling everyone that all is fine with me, because on some really bad days, I have problems finding self-worth even. Its not all that bad either. I do not want to lose me in this process. Authenticity with self and others needs to be preserved. I must continue to have faith. It is a tough battle- mentally and emotionally. but deep in me, i know that I will emerge victorious. I just need to fight the good fight now. It is the process that matters :)

On a sidenote, I wish to thank all who have been exceptionally gracious in your conversations with me. please continue to do so! becos im actually quite fragile now- handle with care please ! :p Recalling the mildly crazy conversation i had with the intended few days back, i remain amazed and thankful at how we are so similar yet so different! :D

Im tired today. and not in the best of moods because I sprained my knuckle~ its mighty irky. i dunno how that happened. but sigh, yeaps, i sprained it :s so my knuckle is red and sore now. :(

few shoutouts before i log off:

Congrats for getting first class honours dearie~ im really proud of you, hardwork has finally paid off ! :) xoxo

Happy Birthday ah boh~ hope u enjoyed yourself heaps today ! we'll meetup soon :)

counting my blessings

had a great time out with my polymates today. advance birthday celebration...pretty touched cos turnout was great for a wednesday. had like 12 or 13 of us. dinner at Bugis MOF then proceeded to Beavers for drinks till 1130pm+....and everyone had work the next day. so yeah~ awesome peeps. and wow...after so many years..9yrs to be exact, the grp's still intact and we meet quite often. really thankful and grateful for them..a few of the closer ones had been there for me even during the rainy seasons. so.. i cut my first cake today! hehe.. think it was oreo cheesecake or some cookies n cream cake from bakerzinn..it was da bombb~! damn good and shiok to the max~! i think i'll forgo the cut-my-calories-intake grand plans till after birthday la..haha. :p MOF desserts + cheesecake + liquor == extreme damage O_o oooh, they got me a Guess bag..hehe. i'll use it soon !

i received the best gift yesterday though~ ! mum went for her medical checkup and bi-yearly scans~ Doc said the medicines managed to keep her condition under control ~ though theres no chance for recovery, shes still doing fine at the moment. really..what more can i ask for. i just wish for her to be free from pain, and to live happily and healthily~ i love u mummy, thanks for keeping watch over me the past 25yrs, and i know you will continue to do so for many many many more years to come..indeed without u, the best things in my life would never have been.

alritey, im really tired now but not complaining, cos i had a funtastic time. aizai signing off now- with a heart of thanksgiving (:

今天的雨..

..好像来了就不想走了，但不知道为什么似乎又带给了我一丝宁静的感觉。
没有汹涌澎湃，没有闪电也没有雷声，纠缠不清的，没有停的意思，只是痴痴的落着...


现在什么都不想，只要静静的看着雨与大自然的飞舞...

As an only child, I spent most of my childhood wishing for a sibling. Even at a very young age, I decided that if I had kids, it has to be more than one as I felt lonely [not bored] whilst growing up. I had lots of friends, but most had siblings, and I always felt they had a special bond and loyalty that most childhood friendships do not have. more imptly, I felt a sibling would be having someone who understood what it was like being in the family.. and for someone who grew up in a pretty unconventional family.. that meant a great deal.

On hindsight though, the best part of being an only child was developing the ability to enjoy being alone and to entertain myself. I may look sociable and bubbly and all, yet people are surprised by how much of a loner I can be. I dun think im introverted...im not exactly extraverted either. its just over the years, i've developed self-sufficiency.

I consider myself to be very independent. I enjoy doing things on my own and I'm comfortable being alone. Today was one of those days.. where i just enjoyed alot of metime, doing things that i love at my own pace. a day to recharge i guess. i feel disturbed when my phone rings on these days- i'll normally ignore it. haha.. but im pretty selective, there are those calls where i'll definitely pick up, be it rain or shine :p (but hey, dont start guessing im ignoring you on purpose when i missed your call !! heh..)

okay anyway...so one day of 'hermitting', tmr i'll be out of my shell and will be picking up your calls pronto. okay? aha... tmr is blading night ! thurs is golf night ! btw, im halfway thru the book Angels and Demons (will probably finish it by tmr...or tonite)...anyone wanna make it movie night on fri !? :p

so i was in China for 11days. pretty enjoyable trip i must say ! very good mix of tourmates. not the typical oldish cohort one would expect. mingled well with everyone, and a couple even adopted me as god daughter. loL~ they talked to me alot, and shared alot abt how they started up their biz and stuffs.. shared their experience and philosophy abt entrepeneurship...and their courtship even. heh.. and even said i cld look for them if i needed help~ wahaha...excellent networking opportunities leh. buay pai. then they jio-ed me to learn golf too. ehh darling, still want learn golf boh? heh..they say can recommend good instructors. btw, their son's gonna be professional golfer for pga next year. cool stuff hor~ loL~ at 1st it was just casual chat n stuffs... but when they overheard that i ran out of 'yuan' and was intending to change.. they actually just passed me 300yuan (abt SGD$70ish ) like i was their real daughter~ and refused to accept my sing dollar in return. weirdly nice couple~ dunno how we hit if off so well..haha. but i was quite taken aback by their frenly gestures. will defintely call them up soon to return the $ and favor.. hee, they left me their namecard. without furtheradue...ladies and gentlemen, heres a picture of them. keke (:

can u spot 'guan gong' behind us? ahhaa :p

these photos were taken in Jiuxiang's stone forest —石林. the stone forest is a massive collection of gray limestone pillars..all natural formations through time, and erosion by rain and seawater..

slowly intro la hor..haha...11 days, been to many places~ :p

haha~ im AIZAI the fearless warrior ! loL~
我也是正义的使者！！

slightly amused.

after a few missed calls, and my rather late SMS replies... heres wat i got from dear mr. j :
"...and dun jus anyhow lay yr hp, u got good friends who wanna call u"

haha, i get the idea. thanks for the reminder :p

just felt compelled to say..

I treasure you ALOT BRADHERRR~ :D
think its amazing we've come this far.. considering the things we've been thru, and after all the things i did, we still have a beautiful friendship gg on.. of which im grateful for.. thank you for being able to forgive and for your genuine concern all these years. even though there were certain times when u were silent, your action spoke multitudes.. *heartsmuch

你不计回报的付出，对我也从来没有半丝怨言 (other than ur constant suanings of my roundish figure...这个账会跟你慢慢的算.... *glares)，更没有因为我伤害过你而对我说出任何苛刻的话, 真的让我很感动... :)

Now, time to cut the longlong story short.. arboh someone's head getting too big.....i no $ buy u new XL helmet. :p
...just a reminder that im always willing to lend u a listening ear too okay!!? hmm, then again, maybe change the 'always' to off-peak hours la........HAHA !

谢谢你, 我的 one and only offpig hour friend...i will continue to take u for granted...loL...*skips*
psst..whens our next blading session. ginnzzz leh ahpek!! wah...feels better, i sound normal now.

屋漏偏逢连夜雨-

it's a tough battle. i've only lived about a little past quarter of a century, but i've already had a few taste, and experienced some of these times. in some sense, the challenges and setbacks in life never end. in some sense, within some aspects of my life, i am constantly experiencing the doldrums.. dun try and tie what im saying here to a specific event in my life right now....cos im referring to an eeeeviiil synergistic effect of a few matter.

whatever it is, at the bottom of the pit, the only view is that of the dawning sky right up above..
btw, hAo is right! haha..okla, u dun have to know me OVER again, smartass. :)

希望在明天，但命运还是掌握在自己的手中.

如果因为一时受挫就轻易地退出，半途而废，到头来后悔的只能是自己。
如果总是因为害怕失败而丢掉前进的勇气，就永远追求不到到心中的梦想。
抱着“从哪里跌倒，就从哪里爬起来”的态度，我会勇敢地走向没有遗憾的未来。

*sings 阳光总在风雨后，请相信有彩虹..

The language of (Flowers) Colours

Blue: A unique colour for flowers. It represents tranquillity, depth, harmony, loyalty, security, and wealth.

Pink: Signifies fresh beginnings, friendship, sweetness of youth and maturity. Pale pinks suggest femininity, while bright pinks stand for friendship and romance.

Purple: Often used to denote royalty, power, wisdom, luxury, and evokes feelings of romance and nostalgia.

Red: The colour of love, desire, passion, fun, pulse-quickening excitement, and a traditional gesture of romance.

Yellow: Signifies joy, hope, happiness, wealth, prestige and is a symbol of courage and friendship.

White: Shows innocence, truth in love, purity, elegance, simplicity, cleanliness, and signifies respect.

(*source: sentosa flowers' official website)

though im very much a nature person, and i try my best to get close and in touch with nature, i never thought i was the flower-flower kind of person.. but its getting harder to resist eh...in love with flowers now. :D a different colour to represent differing moods each day? :) so which is your colour today...? heh :p

last but not least, not to forget.. the 2 most beautiful flowers amidst 'Sentosa Flowers 2009'!
wahahaha~ beautiful start to a beautiful year ahead.

awesomefriend ♥ awesomefun ♥

absolutedarling !! :D

- The End -

reviewing 2008- embracing 2009.

o boy..im friggin' tired now. i thought since my arms are aching...why not go cycle. haa... so off i went on my trek. wonder how much distance i covered jus now....wonder how long it'll take to cover 40km on a bike uh.... hmm. anyway im rather psyched abt the ocbc cycle..wonder what the jersey looks like. hee..

tonight is one of those nights. rather tired and sleepy now, but i just dun wanna tuck into bed. spent some time alone outside, enjoying the quiet night, the occasional breeze, music from my iphone, and the joy of finding peace in my heart. winding down, flashes of 2008 came to mind. Take a step back, relook, review and question. what's all these buzz about in my life? its certainly all about love. tonight, im overwhelmed with love, and i feel strangely secure and happy alone. maybe cos im feeling rich in my spirit. maybe cos i feel content. maybe cos i've learnt and am embracing and cherishing what i have. maybe cos i have forgiveness in my heart. maybe just maybe. 2008 had been a fast year, i've lost some, but gained so much more. life, whether we like it or not, is pretty messy and stuffed up at times, and it seems any attempts to simplify it can be rather frustrating. the shades of grey challenges the black and white approaches. on the other hand, life can be really colourful too. full of warmth, passion, zest, and hope. the sky's the limit. the point is i guess, not to get deluded at the extremes..learning to strike a balance, which requires alot of wisdom, and awareness of self and the people around you. being true to oneself, and getting reminded that happiness is not something one can achieve alone. mind's rather saturated. feeling apprehensive yet hopeful, excited and liberated when i think about what 2009 will bring.

there are certainly a few areas where i wanna better myself in the year 2009. and i'll work towards the targets that i've set for myself. i wanna live fruitfully and meaningfully, with hope and, bringing hope :)

with doubt i seek, with courage i believe...i believe and therefore speak.

*contemplative

1st August 2007. thanksgiving.

• I've got permission from 2 primary schools to proceed with testing!

Mary's Mount Primary School - 45min drive (without getting lost >_<) Our Lady of Mt Carmel - 5min drive away!!! THANK GOD! (but this is a small primary school, so I'll probably get only about 30 participants - which is really good enough!). The principal's so nice too, and enthusiastic about my study (confirmed with me at least 3 times that she'll get a copy of the findings of my study)~ hee. made me abit stress in a good way... now I seem to be able to work with a purpose in mind. not that i didnt have any before, but that was just to aim for first class honours. NOW, there's an additional fire burning inside me, haha...i want to make some contribution to the research literature with regards to children's cognitive development! 我要做一个有用的人！ahaha~

• Outright approval from Ethics!
• Even though my supervisor is on maternity leave, she rocks still!! After I updated her on my progress in the pilot study...wah! her one comment is like revelation for me. well not exactly revelation, but still, put in quite alot of ideas in my head. Wondering how come I don't think like her, like why why why~ wooh~ so inspired! i want to read more! no doubt she'll be awesomer than awesome if she's in uni, but still..haha.....nevermind, i can be more independent. i am very independent anyway! =p
• Mum's coming this saturday, she's coming she's coming she's coming she's comingggg. i miss my mummyyyy~!! boohoo!
• for the people who have been concerned, who checks in making sure im alright, who nags even (aha)...for those keeping me in prayers. for swong who buys chocs for me after i got approval from my first primary schooL. hehe~so sweet~ u da cooL fart fart! and helping me ease abit of printing costs...heheh~ and li-chan who is sitting right opp me now, waiting for me to be done to prepare dinner. hahaha) anyway..all you in perth and sg~ not gg to be too emo and name everyone...but still u noe who u are~ appreciate it :))) eh i won't say its gonna be any easier from now on.. but still its so much more cope-able knowing people are sincerely concerned. :)
• and thank God for a mentor now too~ though..i don't know wat's happening exactly also. aha... but anyway it should be something good and of God. good stuff.
• very happy and thankful also that sister got into hons!! yippee~ happy for u! jya isshouni ganbarimashoo!!!

so thank God..thank God thank God. paiseh li-chan. lets go fill our tummies before we continue a-mugging.

Rest for the weary.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11: 28-30

Thank You Lord.

got my vaio back. after doing some software upgrades the spasms stopped. but cost me $60+ cos i lost my warranty card (the model is out for less than a year loh.. confirm still under warranty mah..but that person INSISTED that i still must have a receipt to prove...dunno prove wat la. v kuku)..they dont even know for how long their own product is out ah? but i cant be bothered to argue. zz.

then cos i forgot to bring my vaio's adapter back from perth, had to buy one when i went to collect after servicing was done..that guy who served me gave me the right adapter, but wrong wires to connect to the socket. super ugh la......its my fault that i didnt check, but i truuuuuuuuuusted him mah. so then, today down i went to wisma atria again jus to change that wire.....even though i drive, but still...wahliao..parking not cheap leh.

BUT BUT BUT...nevermind...these few days i've had my mum with me. drove down to send my laptop for repair...another trip to collect laptop... and anoooooooooother trip to change that wire. so then...it was good quality time. had lunch, talked...and she bought me quite abit of stuff. heh... ermz..included in the stuff is a wallet (cos i lost mine at impact camp..so then i've been stuffing and throwing my notes and coins ard, and always going out realising i nv bring money alot of times.) yes anyway..the wallet...err..wldnt even call it a wallet..its not flat and compact like i always want mine to be..so wats it...purse!?...err.....i dunno. its girly with a coin pouch. zzz. but she insisted its nice and 'good to use'. so anyway...okay we bought it. and im using it now. maybe i'll grow to love it. but anyway its a gift from mum. love the giver and not the gift. haha. its okay.

then abt 7ish pastor yp with her 2 beautiful princess and mirabel came over to my place. really touched by their concern and the effort they took in coming just to catch up with me and talk to my mum. well basically pastor was talking to my mum...while i was talking to mirabel, at the same time enjoying the noodles that dear mirabel bought for me (hehe..but sorry i couldnt finish it) was really yummy though~! anyway was really assured of God's love once again through them....even though through the semester, God has been really close and been speaking to me, but still its just really reallyreally awesome when He sends someone to affirm, of who i am in Him and alot alot of other stuffs...reminding me that im not meant to be alone. and really wat a wonderful spiritual family i have. Ps YP and Mirabel~ I LOVE U BOTH HEAPS!

so then ps yp left earlier with her 2 princesses...and i caught up with mirabel till abt 12ish and then sent her home after.

so anyway.. wats the point of this post. haha..just to say im really superbly thankful (independent of watever circumstances and situations) but only and only becos HE is such a wonderful God, awesome awesome awesome God. and it has been an awesome day.

*sings This is the day, this is the day, that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made..I will rejoice, I rejoice and be glad in it and be glad in it~!

Psalm 118 comes to mind =)

what i've learnt.

Peace is not the absence of distress/pain/trials, but, the presence of our Lord and King, Jesus Christ.

May we all learn to cast our eyes not on circumstances, but on the powerful God that we serve.

Thank You Lord, that I've found rest in the secure knowledge of Your constant love for me.

Indeed, Daddy's love extends beyond our comprehension. =)

lessons learnt.

This semester has taught me some valuable lessons. Wonder what else I'll learn before it's over...

Make sure that you hold on to your friends and especially your close friends. It's harder to resurrect a friendship than it is just to maintain it.

Vulnerability is necessary in order for a relationship to really deepen. Make no mistake that this vulnerability will at times be exploited.

Forgiveness is hard, but inevitable if you're gonna get over something.

No one can always be an angel. When things go wrong we see some bad.

Looking at love in a different light. Love is not meant to make people always feel good. Love is meant to help them grow.

Sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Living for the future to breakaway from what's in the past.

You can be happy only when you allow yourself to be. No one's responsible for your happiness.

Investing in people's life, seeing them grow and thirst for Christ brings greatest satisfaction and joy. (check out Ee Jay's latest post to learn more on this =) )

Eat more ice-creams. It's therapeutic. (that is if you stay away from the weighing scale >_<)

There is always a reason to smile.

+God Bless