my heart leaps for joy !!!

another step nearer to my dream...
and the journey begins. :)

Live well, my friends

Resumed work yesterday. Great to be back. What's even better- payday tmr, and 4 more weeks to hols. :)

So, more often than not, things don't always go according to plan.. But hey, I'm not going to worry.. for tmr will worry about itself. Can't say I'm at peace or totally comfortable (actually far from comfort..) now.. but even with all the recent happenings, I'm just glad to somehow still be able to find hope in life. Even if its a teeny weeny bit of hope, its still hope. If there ain't hope...life is still a duty. no? we've gotta complete it, well, somehow. It's easier said than done..but, still do-able. I'm not about to say anything about the ones who've decided to end their own life prematurely though.. just very thankful some failed and they get a 2nd chance, woefully, some succeeded. I'd like to remind that we can all make a conscious effort to be kinder to the people around us, be it in words..or go the extra mile in actions. We'll never know who needs that added dose of kindness and encouragement.. and even a mindless harsh/kind comment might just break or make one's life. More often than not, its really the extraverted and cheerful guy or the typical clown in the clique that feels most pain, loneliness and brokeness deep inside. So try not to assume and take things at face level. For those who are masking their deepest emotions, for those who are feeling really alone now..I'd just like to say that there are other avenues to seek help, there are people who really care and love (come to me at the very least if u really find no one, I'll make time for u :) )...There is hope as long as we choose not to give up. Take it from a person, who's going through a rough patch herself too.

My life.. In some sense, I've had a relatively easy one, but on another..its just really tough shit. As I grew older and supposedly wiser, things happened. Dreams started to fade and I was left with a whole new set of realities, the realities of responsibility. And soon, I caught myself looking back wondering where it all went wrong. I reflected...and reflected. But still.. I'm left clueless. Somehow just got thrusted into all these stuffs... Good thing is I've stopped asking why. "why is this happening to me"... but rather I've long accepted the realities of my life, I've accepted the present situation. Honestly, I fear- every single day. but I try not to let this fear paralyse me. I just give my very best..and really thank God for the morning light, for each new day.

How should I face all these? I'm not exactly sure.. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. is there a better way of handling my emotions and reactions towards these issues, any more that I could have done? I wish someone can tell me "hey you're doing fine, handing things the way you should.." or offer me a fresh perspective on matters. I don't mind getting told that I'm 'wrong' or there are ways that I cld improve..pride takes no hold over me as i earnestly seek solutions, to be a better person, to be a strong support for close ones who are in need, to be able to make firm and wise decisions when the need arises, to breakoff from this feeling of constant stagnation..

Owells...anyway...... im aizai, and im coping, but of course right.. :p Thankfully...work has been great. like super. I really love my students..that is when they don't do a major meltdown. aha... *sweats* Oh, today I learnt that one of my boys has a teddy bear named Bao, and Bao's birthday falls on Halloween..ahah. random. He's too cute..he loves eating..and everything to him revolves around food. like we say...have a terrific thursday, he'll say, "have a teriyaki thursday!" lOL... i'm just really glad to be working around these kids. its a real joy and blessing.

On to other random stuffs.. time to R&R. I love this song, and I still remember who gave me this album (i kept it well) :) It's weird how I associate songs/albums with different individuals. It could be shared memories, it could be the lyrics, it could be that the song was on billboard the period of time we always hang out, it could be the things we do together. It's just automatic, the song plays and image of that person will pop up in my mind. Well, I don't know..I think it happens to everyone right? hmm. ya I guess, or it could just be that I'm a sentimental freak. owells. doesnt matter. at least I know of a few other sentimental freaks too :)

Ok..really time to pen off. Enjoy the MV. Pssst- Don't miss the sunshine Aizai- because she never once left mah. haha. Still as genki as ever! See you all soon!

Crouching tiger, hidden entrance.

It's SA2 this week. So before the students took their papers.. we showed them this videoclip during one of their lessons. They enjoyed it..and learnt the 'moral of the story'. :)

Hope you'll enjoy too, its pretty cute.

In loving memory: Lawrance Chow

It's been surreal. I remember the last time we metup when u returned to SG for hols. You were just seated opposite me..we were sipping coffee, laughing, chatting just abt anything and everything under the sun. you said u'll call me when u come back next hols.. and you'll teach me tennis. I remembered how we first met at bushcourt- u as a freshie and me as an ogl...and how we hit it off so well and became gd frens since.. how we cooked together at your flat and had silly conversations and games.. I remembered your awesome birthday party at SV's recreation rm..and so much more good memories. now you're gone. i can't believe i'll never ever see you again. I miss you, Lawrance, Rest in Peace my dear friend...Love you.

Lawrance Tribute.. done by another friend.


Time is fleeting. Chase your dreams, life's too short to waste not living for what you truly believe in.

MK

last night. worth the wait.

i didnt dream it right. yeah. i think it was real. (:

Shell's promo + road works

Better just stay home till after 6pm.
Unbelieveble..

I'm still stucked in the jam! Hungry so very :(

This blog.

Was just looking at the archives at the right side of my blog.

54 months of my life's best and worst moments captured.

For that, I'm truly thankful and blessed.

...and i was excited, for a split second.

Mr Wise, "you have 2 ctrl keys. both doesn't work?"

indeed it doesnt. woe is me. someone help ! google failed me.. loL~ tsk...wth.

someone, anyone...help help!! well...it's like this. my keyboard shortcut keys decided to go on strike. how very friendly...sigh. so i can't do 'ctrl+c' 'ctrl+z'....and so on. has been going on for many days.. and i totally cannot tahan now. feel damn handicapped.

anyone has the answer!?

BoomZ

my friend shared this on FB, think its hilarious..so here it is. heh..

Wishlist: Kindle 2!

checkout this cool gadget here !! (:
Amazon giftcards/vouchers shall replace kino vouchers soon.....heehee.. :p

Day six + 7 ramblings..

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me that much" -Mother Teresa

I'm really really worn out.. But somehow I know I can persevere.. all these is gonna past. Even if it were to end in
a less-than-ideal way.. It's still gonna end, someday, somehow. I know I won't break just like that. Over the years
I'm pretty aware that I've kinda built up this resiliency..or I dunno what to call it, the ability to flow and adapt
to each circumstances that comes my way, fast. No matter how traumatising.. I get use to the idea and just continue
doing what I need to do.. No time to feel sad or ask why. That's just my life..and what i've taught myself over the
yrs facing all these issues alone. I know some people find this 'flexibility' hard to accept.. Either that, or
they just assume things are back to 'normal'..And i can hardly blame them. Though I'd hafta say, it gets quite
upsetting when this 'flexibility' masks the fact that deep down I wish people would care more abt how I feel or am
coping emotionally rather than flick it away as "she's strong she'll have no problem handling.."

I dun really know what I wanna bring across.. I just write..The blog being my most trusted outlet.. But it'll be a
mistake if one is trying to understand me or what's happening through this channel. Anyway I think I'm just tired and at moment saddened by some other stuffs.. Saddened by a sudden realisation. Sigh.. I should just re-align my focus and channel whatever energy I
have left on pressing matters ...

Nmind.. Aizai u can do it.

Very encouraged by JD and Xin.. Thanks u both. Really felt the love.. Everytime i see 'Chiqui', i can't help but
smile from the bottom of my heart.. And those mags..pleasantly surprised u guys rem what i love.. It meant more
cos I dont even rem wat I enjoy, or what i can do to relieve myself of these anxiety and other negative feelings..
And you guys .. Hmm cut it short, I felt comforted by both ur presence and how u both shared and opened up those
options to me..peppered with lame jokes as usual. :) Thank u..

我的心真的好痛..

啊..很辛苦，现在真真的体会到什么叫做'有苦难言'.

9th October 2009

... is a date that'll be etched in memory forever. The days that followed had been one of the most traumatising and difficult ones of my life.

Things aren't settled yet.. it won't be so soon I guess. My VP has given me 2 weeks off work, even before I requested, and I'm sure she'll grant me more time if need be. I am very thankful for such understanding and support from my workplace. They are really awesome peeps over at PL.

Darling I am very thankful that you rushed down to just be with me before heading to work.. to you and TPS who've helped me moved, and made a few visits, to the rest who've made an effort to meet me at where I am- not just physically but emotionally as well. Even though there were some help I declined, all has been deeply received and appreciated.

To brudder who has been with me almost throughout this ordeal, I can offer nothing else in return, except a lifetime of gratitude and friendship- the solid kind .. :)

Somehow, by having a heart of thanksgiving .. I am able to relieve some anxiety. Somehow amidst all these turmoil, I know I'm still blessed. The best proof is that mum's regained consciousness and out of ICU, she's still here with me.. and that though thoroughly worn out, I'm still here.

Alrights.. I don't really know how to end this, but just a note to say I'm ok thanks to u all. I need help and I'm thankful I received it.

Do keep us in prayers that these issues can be resolved with as little damage as possible, for my mum's health and well-being.. for me to remsin strong and hopeful..

人生自古谁无死，留取丹心照汗青

i will continue to work my very best, be with my mum, stay sane...and live out my beliefs and values...till my very last day.

thank u brudder.. 最讲义气，最照顾我的始终是你. having had this kinda friendship has made life at least more worthwhile..

at the point in time, where i feel hardly anyone can understand or is mature enough to understand what im going through.. i suddenly heard sthg that made me feel slightly encouraged. the intended said,"i'm not going to say 'it's alright' because it really is not." yes...that kinda honesty. someone ard me..is finally able to see it, or have the courage to speak the truth in kind and with empathy. yes..to say the truth, u'll defintely need courage + love...

the sad fact of life is that not everything is gonna turn out alright all the time. it can get from bad, to worse...and to a point where life just ends. there. thats it. have u really not seen or heard that happen before? have u not seen the lonesone granny who has to take care of her intellectually disabled grandson? or, of people who can hardly make ends meet till something drastic happens one after another? these arent exageration. i've seen it, i've tasted it, and im experiencing it, again. try telling them "everything is gonna be alright".. people need to wake up and realise the world isnt all rosy, with things ultimately falling into place just becos we think it should. there isnt a shld or shldnt in this world. nothing, absolutely nothing can be taken granted for. just becos u have something does not mean that you will have it forever, or that it is rightfully yours..or that somehow u earned it. be thankful that u've been blessed with it, safety, a roof over ur head, steaming bowl of rice, parents who nag at u, bothersome work... cos when u lose it one day, u'll wonder why u didnt do everything in your capacity to maintain or defend it.

so, what is the point of saying something that you don't even believe in yourself? how much of an impact is that gonna make? i am definitely not a pessimist. for i wldnt have made it thus far if i was one...neither wld i say i am an eternal optimist cos that's jus lying to oneself...which does one no good in the long run. i just strive for truth.

im getting really tired with hearing alot of patronising stuffs... politically correct stuffs.. stuffs you should say to another when one is down. stuffs that do not reflect thoughtfulness and true care and concern.. ask ourselves, how many of us now, really take the time to care for people who are supposedly close to us? closest friends...family...whoever. one can say "i love you" and then disappear for the next few mths, "i love you" and the next min do something intentionally just to make you feel bad and themselves feel good. "I love you" and then do something drastic to contradict what has been said without even realising it..or admitting the fact that hurt has been caused. how many of us, actually take ownership of the things we say and our own thinking processes. people jus blurt things out that sounds profound and right, without even understanding the true meaning or implications.. if i dare make a bold statement that we're mostly mechanically thinking the thoughts of others and swallowing them without even careful examination. mechanically plucking out right phrases and standard phrases to say at standard situations. certainly we should listen to the thoughts of others and weigh them but we should never swallow whatever we hear wholly. people jus mindlessly pluck phrases and use them without thinking. think think think..thinking takes time and alot of effort, but that is still time that should be spent. i really detest it when i see people nodding and nodding their head without really taking time to further digest what has been said. look more like an airhead to me with screws on their neck loose..

sometimes, its really not in the things that has been said or that should be said. but rather the genuine heart, and being available that actually speaks multitudes.

im prob really frustrated and my tone might come across as harsh now. and frankly i cant be bothered to rephrase my words. but wadever... life's harsh. my entry is not aimed at making u feel comfortable and nice abt yourselves...cos there are enough people out there who go out of their way to please everyone. im not one of them. im not directing this at anyone in particular.. .or blaming anyone for anything. its just this world in general... is made up of too much mediocrity. so much so that it has become a norm, and it wld come across as weird to make a fuss outta it. tragic isnt it. people randomly complain abt "whats wrong with the world nowadays" without even realising that the problem is just beneath their own nose. people who are genuine, sincerely cares are really few and far between. and if u can find one during ur life time, just one,...consider yourself truly blessed.

this isnt to say i dun have solid frens ard me...i do have, its just..i dunno how to put it, on a different platform.

choose to agree or not agree...or think thru what i've written and grow together. im always willing to listen to the truth. nothing angers and disappoint me more than mediocrity and lies.

seriously;

Dear Mr. God,

You and I, we need to talk.

help, im alive.

the guy is crazy.

vegetarian anyone? :p

eat less meat, heh..its healthier that way also :p then again, this goes beyond our own health. all of us have a moral imperative on sustainability matters.

"the poor cannot afford bread, rice or other staple foods, let alone meat, fish and a whole range of fruit and vegetables. What is an even more devastating fact is that the world actually produces enough food to feed the entire population but an enormous proportion of that food is used to feed livestock for the affluent first world markets....... .. it takes 13kg of grain to produce just 1kg of beef and 6kg of grains to produce 1kg of pork. Eighty percent of the world's soya beans are eaten by animals..." -excerpt from the special report, prime.

i don't think i can forgo meat altogether.. but i'll try to eat less meat..hmm and i'll commit to a vegan diet 1 week per month. wokay ~ 就这样！gradual change, easy does it !

btw, since ..... very long ago. i've always been super irked by those who waste food on camp games or wadever games. like throwing flour around.....using fruits or wadever. very super irritated. the last i remembered being irked was at a camp... and i was upset with myself for not speaking up. i did try to opt out, but i remembered being forced to go through those games somemore.... sighs, becos i did not provide the reason at that point in time. i wonder why. not very like me to not speak up. anyway i hope i don't come across these kinda things anymore...but if i do, i will definitely give these people a piece of my mind. for sure.

we've heard this a million times, people are starving..but how many of us really do anything abt it? we just flick the responsibility to those whom we've elected as representatives...or just leave it to the other proactive ones. then ease our guilt by saying "i can't do much anyway..". we don't have to give, if its beyond our financial means..... for starters, we can do simple things like change our eating habits, don't have to stuff till super full, don't waste food, don't play with food, take only what you can eat...i think helps to a certain extent too.

ooh... okay...my mind suddenly wandered to the past while blogging and i got slightly worked up. haha.. okay.. im actually in a very relaxed state now. this post was pretty random cos i saw the article and wanted to share. din mean to write that much. hurrhurr..

i had a great weekend ! hope u all did too, ready for work again !

goodnight all ! ♥

yeah !

today is a good day ! woohoo !! not just cos it's the weekends.. more because i had mini success in some of the intervention techniques that i tried. it was a challenging day today, and im really glad i overcame it. some breakthroughs in terms of interpersonal relationships at work too !

today also marks the end of the 3 week intensive induction program. as i chart my own observations, reflections and growth.. i was able to gain more insights as to which aspect i should work on...and stuff. amazing, i really love what im doing now. having worked as a psychologist..and now as a teacher. i am able to see from 2 perspectives...which is the gap that i really hope to fill in. now as a teacher, i get 'recommendations' from therapist that is pretty impossible to implement in class, because i do not have the luxury of a one-to-one coaching with the particular student who presents with a number of issues..not jus academics. but i am hopeful abt this..and am determined to work things out with the therapist and to find the best solution for my student. hopefully in future when i assume the role of a therapist/psychologist again... i am able to make better recommendations to better facilitate a child's learning, as well as take into consideration the limitations that a teacher has in class. after 3 weeks, the role of me being a SPED teacher, has finally sunk in. although it was by choice, i still needed sometime to get used to that idea. i don't feel that one can turn into a teacher overnight, just because one has signed the letter of appointment. but i believe that comes with experiencing, and taking time to own that role in one's heart. now that im not as overwhelemed with the new working hrs and environment.. i am starting to appreciate my choice better...and finally feel that hey, yes.. i am walking in the right direction. this was the path that i chose, and this is what i want. to teach. to make an impact. to transform lives.

falling into place...things are starting to fall into place ! nicely earned weekend..hehe, shall enjoy and rest well. im so ready for the next week ! yeahh~ let it roll~~ btw, it is gonna be stressful next week.. becos i will have to undergo observations..appraisal and stuffs. oh and another thing, although realistically speaking..u wldnt like everyone u meet at a typical work setting.. but somehow, i've always been blessed to have really nice people working closely with me. have always been fortunate in this aspect :) very thankful for this.

goodnight ! have a great weekend everyone, and 中秋节快乐！

the world gone bonkers part 1

checkout these losers
i don't understand what the deal is with some guys? what's the point of going for form without the substance? in my view, form comes naturally when there is substance. 虚有其表又何苦？ what's the point of putting up a front, looking nice on the outside.. but getting it all messed up where it really matters? what a total waste of time, energy and money. these losers totally deprive themselves chances of finding any true happiness. then again, for one who intentionally does something just to cause a loved one discomfort out of jealousy and pride.. is still far from reaching happiness.