is there no escape?

Maybe I asked the wrong question, thats why I'm not receiving an answer. Maybe God wanted me to ask another question? I wonder what though. Easier said than done- facing the realities of life. I am. but when that thing is ongoing I just feel helpless. really helpless and lousy. I know these thoughts are silly and useless but i really just feel like packing and leaving. At least thats something I can do, rather than just stay put, feel helpless and be under that thing's mercy.

I was actually pretty happy today until that thing started its thing again. Now, I'm feeling sick. Won't be for long though.

So I just got back from a fun and relaxing genting trip. It was nice just being in another place... did the usual touristy stuffs- shopped, ate, ate, ate..movies, ate, thrill rides and then we ate more. This time round I had the company of two very lovely girls :) had quite alot of fun laughing together, getting to know them better and stuffs. so thats good.

I actually planned to write more about the trip after I got enough rest..but turns out that im not quite in the mood now. So, we'll just let pictures do the talking yea :)

:)

Ok, not alot of photos here..havent actually sorted them out. :p

Before I end this entry though, special shoutout to JD: Yo man, hope u like your new toys..ehmz, i meant gifts. HAHAHA.. you've been a crazy and a really awesome friend~ i really appreciate your friendship, your lameness.. your maturity and sincerity beneath that joker facade...ahha.. thanks for that~ Have a great birthday ya ! May you grow taller this upcoming year.. lOL! Have a blast on your birthday my friend ! :D

sunshine rainbow lovin' yo !

I feel super healthy today. chasing frisbees, beach volleyball and netballing under the oh-so-scorching sun ~ i hope i dun peel tomorrow. i can't even remember when was the last time i headed to sentosa for such activities. hello kakis, i think we should try this like bi-monthly.....or something like that. not very troublesome actually, the train from vivo to sentosa's really fast and cheap.




it has been a fun-filled and packed weekend. i was told specifically to rest well over the weekends...becos its gonna be shiong the 1st 3 weeks of work, stretching to 5pm on somedays. and guess what, i saw the HR officer who processsed my application at vivo just now. what a coincidence...win liao loh. haha.. owells.

and hey, thanks for the night out at timbre, good food (lousy salty margarita), good ambience, goodiest company. haha. i think we were too excited with the food and talking through the night at timbre that we forgot to take photos~! how can we..haha, take double when we meetup after i get my first pay. woohoo~

also, managed to get some stuffs that has been bothering me for the past year off my chest too. i can't control how people generally react or how appreciative they are of the heart i put in, or whether the intended actually felt this was neccessary, but i made a conscious choice and effort to be true to myself and the values (to live simply. to always love generously. to care deeply, to speak kindly, and to never withold the best that i can give) i hold dear to. even though i dun feel any/much change from the intended and was even probably abit disappointed by some of the reactions/exchanges thereafter.. i still feel a major change in my own heart and attitude towards this whole hoohaa. freedom of choice is the prerequisite for love. by that, i meant any kind of love. sincere loving friendship or a romantic relationship. the point is, i've found my peace.

all in all, nice mini bursts of activities before i start work! im psyched ! the thought of me being a special education teacher hasnt exactly sunk in.. haha..still pretty unbelievable~ but AIZAI is committed to give her best ! wish me luck friends ! woohoo~ goodnight !!

Captured Moments | 25th July 2009

Click ME for more ! :D

Here are some failed shots... not easy okayyy :p

my first shot, looked like sg was bombed on sthg~ heh..

overexposed again.. building on fire..? hmm

underexposed ~

dunno what to make of this..another over exposed shot

at least we had a good laugh over these~ :D

suck it in !

I can't deny that after much failures...self-confidence has wavered. Yarps, sad but true. I use to have this belief that I can achieve anything as long as I want to. However, circumstances has rendered me helpless of late. I cannot (and will not) let negative thoughts and emotions engulf me- thus the need to constantly be involved in activities, and to taste success. I do not wish to put up a false front telling everyone that all is fine with me, because on some really bad days, I have problems finding self-worth even. Its not all that bad either. I do not want to lose me in this process. Authenticity with self and others needs to be preserved. I must continue to have faith. It is a tough battle- mentally and emotionally. but deep in me, i know that I will emerge victorious. I just need to fight the good fight now. It is the process that matters :)

On a sidenote, I wish to thank all who have been exceptionally gracious in your conversations with me. please continue to do so! becos im actually quite fragile now- handle with care please ! :p Recalling the mildly crazy conversation i had with the intended few days back, i remain amazed and thankful at how we are so similar yet so different! :D

Im tired today. and not in the best of moods because I sprained my knuckle~ its mighty irky. i dunno how that happened. but sigh, yeaps, i sprained it :s so my knuckle is red and sore now. :(

few shoutouts before i log off:

Congrats for getting first class honours dearie~ im really proud of you, hardwork has finally paid off ! :) xoxo

Happy Birthday ah boh~ hope u enjoyed yourself heaps today ! we'll meetup soon :)

i want nobody nobody but chiuuuu *clap clap* :p

counting my blessings

had a great time out with my polymates today. advance birthday celebration...pretty touched cos turnout was great for a wednesday. had like 12 or 13 of us. dinner at Bugis MOF then proceeded to Beavers for drinks till 1130pm+....and everyone had work the next day. so yeah~ awesome peeps. and wow...after so many years..9yrs to be exact, the grp's still intact and we meet quite often. really thankful and grateful for them..a few of the closer ones had been there for me even during the rainy seasons. so.. i cut my first cake today! hehe.. think it was oreo cheesecake or some cookies n cream cake from bakerzinn..it was da bombb~! damn good and shiok to the max~! i think i'll forgo the cut-my-calories-intake grand plans till after birthday la..haha. :p MOF desserts + cheesecake + liquor == extreme damage O_o oooh, they got me a Guess bag..hehe. i'll use it soon !

i received the best gift yesterday though~ ! mum went for her medical checkup and bi-yearly scans~ Doc said the medicines managed to keep her condition under control ~ though theres no chance for recovery, shes still doing fine at the moment. really..what more can i ask for. i just wish for her to be free from pain, and to live happily and healthily~ i love u mummy, thanks for keeping watch over me the past 25yrs, and i know you will continue to do so for many many many more years to come..indeed without u, the best things in my life would never have been.

alritey, im really tired now but not complaining, cos i had a funtastic time. aizai signing off now- with a heart of thanksgiving (:

randoms..

look at the tough decisions i hafta make on a daily basis~ sheesh~how can life be easy~ :p

so today i went recce-ing for ROM venue with James (sounds scandalous) HAHAHA. not ours la..just his :p was at labrador park. nice place ! 40 pax capacity in the glass hse, pretty nice surroundings~ nice view too ! wanna chill out there smtime soon~ shall we!?

then we went to jewel box at Mt Faber.. haha. checkout their Iconic Toilet~
woohoo~ toilet with a view O_O oh and the guy who attended to us looked at us pretty weirdly... loL~ ya yaa... we aint a couple dude~ very good platonic frenship exists leh tsk. which is a reminder how being single feels so good- i can go out with whoever i want without someone breathing down my neck~ tsk... hello~ if theres one thing good abt me, its faithfulness k~ i dun appreciate guys who give (too much of) that kinda crap. prob means he does not understand me, does not trust me..and has no confidence in himself. aint my kinda guy. heh~ okay.. after receiving xin's bouquet... shld meet the right one soon. wahaha~ :p

my loves (at Mt Ophir~) :D
nice mini girlies getaway~ ! keke~ woohoo

i can bump into frens even in JB !
how cool izzat !!? loL.. i love winning~ i win i win ! aizai gets bigger portion.. but then seriously quality of durian that day..was just so-so rahh.. not as good as the one i have at home. but very nice experience~ hehe.

btw, the winners (for that particular day) !

i have my all time favs.... :p

i wanna go !!

this and this !

im jio-ing more for stomp~ heh... ! going for Jump with my tkd club members. think there'll be grp discounts for 20 tickets and above. so who's interested in tagging along, lemme noe ! all frenly ppl~ hehe. u wont get whacked with me there, donch worry. hahah. apparently Jump's from the same producer as 'Breakout' that i went to earlier this year. and it was fantabulous. super enjoyed it. so im expecting this wld be great too !!! well..Stomp, im sure u guys have heard of it b4~ lets goooo !!

caught transformers2 today, not that bad ! found it pretty enjoyable ! dinner thereafter. initially wanted to go for sushi tei..but damn long queue.. everywhere was actuallie. till we passed by this soba joint at paragon basement. decently short queue.. maybe cos the food there's a tad ex? my bowl of soba with mushrooms n taupok thingy, cost $17+....but its good, maybe cld have been significantly cheaper if they whipped up the taste using MSG.. all i can say is, good things no cheap la~ its not like those heavy soup base, or MSG laden kinda stuffs. love it. light and natural~

yummy ! see the ricecake (right) i love it ! super Q~ keke

finally used the last of my kino vouchers today. 4 more additions to my library :)

hmm.. i always dream that in my own house, i'll have a room full of books~ nice big armchairs, or beanbag corner~ heehe..wonder if that'll come true. oh of cos, i dun mind a mini Wii/playstation corner too~

tamron 180mm F3.5 Macro

happily woke up at 6am and went to Mac Ritchie reservoir this morning.. first try, so was pretty excited....has a great working distance, but damn its heavy (okay la, reasonably lightweight in its class..jus that im cui, my biggest/heaviest lens thus far) ! minor movements, and my bug's outta focus. sighpies. havent gotten use to it yet.. i din bring my tripod today..and apparently the human tripod/bipod..loL~ wadeverpodpod.. that i had also not very de zai..haha..
straightafter sundown, its been a whirlwind of activities the past week. pretty bushed. but im happy.. haha. love the way i concuss once my head touches the pillow every night. shiokkk.. for the upcoming week........hmm, no comments yet. keke..except im pretty excited abt saturday's firework nite!! tripod, trigger release -check -check, wide angle lens- check !!

okay rahh... i wanna watch my Korean F4 drama serial (woe its chinese subs!). heh...got them from my supplier 2 weeks ago (kahmsahamnida !), and i havent had time to watch !! keke... btw, i think i hav a few other serials i wanna kob too...keke. alrights, i shall end again with my few very cui photos....1st try 1st try... more will come... i din see ANY butterflies at all today leh~ how sad..spotted only 1 yellow grass...happily fluttered past me... the one and only butterfly i saw today. haha -_-" oh, hmm i wanna go chek jawa, sungei buloh...and P.Ubin leh leh leh

i was fully prone on the ground trying to capture this dragonfly. cldnt get to the other side to capture the eyes, cos i was on the wooden bridge, and it was facing the other direction. me no likey getting wet ! not so garang

spidey, tried to ID... but hmm, haha. cant find name yet. another day bah, today laoniang ish very bery tired. :p

this bugger stayed pretty still.... but i jus cant seem to get it in focus. no matter how hard i tried, i was swaying back and forthhhh... tragic!

just for remembrance! teehee~

medal's pretty nice eh !? :)

and HEY, just realised our bib has all the same numbers !! 2597 and 5972! really can buy 4D lioww ~ haha. so zhun ! 跳字 !! loL..wah nice ! :D

so u can see, my rather lauhong performance..heh... but all u dearies have been so encouraging! heh.. thankies doo~ loL ~ thought i'll kena suan major with that 7hr 30min ish kinda performance..hehe... even JD did not suan me! are u all trying to con me.. i mean encourage me to do anotherrr marathon~ keke.. today no more muscle fatigue..walking normally already. and im starting to think i might just (try) run regularly again, and attempt SC full.. hee.

before i log off to revise, read and REST, jus wanna rant...caught A & D yesterday......and i was disappointed! gah~ Firstly, Vitt's not hot at all ! :( and i didnt like the way some of my fav parts were deleted or tweaked~ bleahz... anyway most of u wld have caught the film by now :p alritey...adious amigos~ aizai signs off for the day

Sundown 2009 - Impossible is nothing !

yet another milestone in the life of AIZAI the fit kia.. haha. i jus completed my first ever marathon! 3 cheers! Sundown 2009 ~ yeah, impossible is nothing ! woohoo~ but okay...aizai is not fit at all...heck, these days u can call me lembek and i wldnt be able to find anything to retort~ did not even train. gained like 5kg after my yunnan trip~ no im not proud of the fact that i completed a marathon without training. didnt practice what i preach this time..haha. jialat. my leg spoil liow. anyhoos, when i reached the end point, the time showed 7hr33min. haha..

4 bridges werent too bad.. i loved the part where gravity pulled me down, and i went a little bit faster. haha. but i absolutely hated the countless mini up slopes..and the sandy pitches.. sorry cant remember where those places were..basically gong already. just walking and running like a robot. following thru the motions. air seemed thinner at night.. i ran continuosly for first 5km (i think this is a feat in itself! damn i really havent been running)...and then walked n run the whole way liow. did not stop at all, didnt dare to. thankfully no cramps!!! ahaha..my best burst of energy came at abt 12km+.. dunno why suddenly feel energetic.. then hit 28km..and i feel cui liow... pure muscle fatigue- was jus inching my way to the finishing point. every kilometre seemed so far away ! pretty er xin experience la..hahah. but i nv thought of giving up even once! good thing. haha. thanks brudder for insisting i go~ actually din wanna risk injuring myself before the course liow..haha. and i was made to fly another cliques kite for dinner n chillout session. LOL~ very the paiseh..but didnt regret it ! I havent slept since yesterday morning. haa..~ do i even sound coherent now...shucks, i need to reach novena by 745am tmr for my course..............zzzzzzzzz, hopefully i can walk. as usual~ some pictures to end the day~ :)

JD and me (:

Supporter Wen ~

my faithful companion~ u hav served me well! woohoo ~

i've no blisters~! beautiful!

last but not least, my bestest brudder! who was with me ALL the way, whole 42km !:D

look at his bitter gourd face before the run~ sillyboy drank mac's milk shake and wasnt feeling too well earlier part of the race. burp burp burp :s my personal pongpong team, yokoyoko provider, took H20 for me while i painfully inch fwd first. haha..heh, thanks for being there the whole 42km~ first ever marathon~! wonder if it'll be my last... running's def not my cup of tea man...maarathoning is jus crazy. but got ppl jio standard chart liow..and i quite gian to get that finisher tee...haha. we'll see...... AT THE MOMENT, marathon's gonna be those 'been there, done that..great its off my checklist' kinda thing... haa.. wait till i forget the pain :p im pretty forgetful! goodnight people.

awareness- its a good thing.

Current read
Asian Geographic: Taboo Edition

Strongly recommended by Aizai...especially the article on "Jaws of Death" !! Few years back, I saw a documentary on indiscriminate killing of sharks for their fins, and have never touched a bowl of sharksfin since then.. and i resolved never to have that dish in my wedding banquet. only one other friend of mine shares exact sentiments as me on this issue... pretty sad. think abt the brutal process and harm done to the eco-system before ordering that coveted bowl of delicacy.. sharks cruelly tossed back into the ocean after having their fins cut off, sea turtles..dolphins and tons of other marine life killed as a result of line fishing~ :(

sheeesh...just go read abt it. after all the harm that human has done to his environment, we should at least do our part to clear up the mess we've created... protect and conserve !

btw, today's the first time i ate the soft twirl soy ice-cream from Mr Bean. i love it !! yummy so veryy~~ see...so much good food around.. to give up eating sharksfin aint that difficult right~ come on friends ! convict yourself now!!

*psst, its a good thing to be aware.. but dont just be aware and do nothing. being unaware, and being aware yet not bothering to do anything...i wonder which reaps worser karma. haha

so i was in China for 11days. pretty enjoyable trip i must say ! very good mix of tourmates. not the typical oldish cohort one would expect. mingled well with everyone, and a couple even adopted me as god daughter. loL~ they talked to me alot, and shared alot abt how they started up their biz and stuffs.. shared their experience and philosophy abt entrepeneurship...and their courtship even. heh.. and even said i cld look for them if i needed help~ wahaha...excellent networking opportunities leh. buay pai. then they jio-ed me to learn golf too. ehh darling, still want learn golf boh? heh..they say can recommend good instructors. btw, their son's gonna be professional golfer for pga next year. cool stuff hor~ loL~ at 1st it was just casual chat n stuffs... but when they overheard that i ran out of 'yuan' and was intending to change.. they actually just passed me 300yuan (abt SGD$70ish ) like i was their real daughter~ and refused to accept my sing dollar in return. weirdly nice couple~ dunno how we hit if off so well..haha. but i was quite taken aback by their frenly gestures. will defintely call them up soon to return the $ and favor.. hee, they left me their namecard. without furtheradue...ladies and gentlemen, heres a picture of them. keke (:

can u spot 'guan gong' behind us? ahhaa :p

these photos were taken in Jiuxiang's stone forest —石林. the stone forest is a massive collection of gray limestone pillars..all natural formations through time, and erosion by rain and seawater..

slowly intro la hor..haha...11 days, been to many places~ :p

haha~ im AIZAI the fearless warrior ! loL~
我也是正义的使者！！

slightly amused.

after a few missed calls, and my rather late SMS replies... heres wat i got from dear mr. j :
"...and dun jus anyhow lay yr hp, u got good friends who wanna call u"

haha, i get the idea. thanks for the reminder :p

life is colourful, because of

:D

love!

aizai aizai aizaiii !!

Jing zia zaiiii~ lOL~ whooosh !

peace out +

~ BMX, i heart !!

hokay, pretty disorganised entry..haa. just some photos to end the day~ pretty packed schedule this week... so it'll take sometime before i can organise/photoshop those pictures. hehe..

goodnight!

just felt compelled to say..

I treasure you ALOT BRADHERRR~ :D
think its amazing we've come this far.. considering the things we've been thru, and after all the things i did, we still have a beautiful friendship gg on.. of which im grateful for.. thank you for being able to forgive and for your genuine concern all these years. even though there were certain times when u were silent, your action spoke multitudes.. *heartsmuch

你不计回报的付出，对我也从来没有半丝怨言 (other than ur constant suanings of my roundish figure...这个账会跟你慢慢的算.... *glares)，更没有因为我伤害过你而对我说出任何苛刻的话, 真的让我很感动... :)

Now, time to cut the longlong story short.. arboh someone's head getting too big.....i no $ buy u new XL helmet. :p
...just a reminder that im always willing to lend u a listening ear too okay!!? hmm, then again, maybe change the 'always' to off-peak hours la........HAHA !

谢谢你, 我的 one and only offpig hour friend...i will continue to take u for granted...loL...*skips*
psst..whens our next blading session. ginnzzz leh ahpek!! wah...feels better, i sound normal now.

Vietnam: Cu Chi Tunnels

One of my favourite destinations in Vietnam ..

mini crawled thru the intricate, extensive, and extremely claustrophobic Cu Chi tunnels network... i think the tunnel tt we crawled thru had already been widened for us... O_O haha.

then theres the weapon exhibits..how the weapons were constructed and how they're carefully placed and concealed. ingenious. i was really impressed with the ppl who designed them...along with all those booby traps they setup~... eerie~

really highlights the resiliency of men

Vietnam: first impression

one helluva crazy traffic

First meal in Vietnam, Ho Chi Minh @ Pho 24

Pho Ga~ yummy so very !!

Anh and me

Made a viet friend even before touchdown~

sitting beside me on the plane...and oh boy does she has endless to say... O_o

so heres a photo for remembrance :D

HCM's townhall ... i think -_-"

hmm.. loL

a very very painful day today. when i say pain, i mean..literally broken from the inside out. crushed. i dunno where i found the energy from, to do all the things i did today...dragging myself from one place to another.. i really jus feel like collapsing..i jus feel like disappearing from the surface of the earth. i wanted to call and cancel all my appointments.. tuition..dinner.... everything. i dunno how i did it..maybe i've learnt disassociation somehow, to somehow sever connections to my own thoughts, feelings, actions, and sense of identity..maybe i grew stronger after so many ordeals, maybe subconsciously i dun wanna hate myself even more at the end of the day, by failing to fulfil my responsibilities, my committment to my tutee, and my promises to my friends.. i really do try my best in the things i undertake, make the best out of circumstances...to be real with people ard me- yet not put on a sorrowful face 24/7, i try my best to be positive, to be strong for the people ard me. but how much further can i push myself? i really dunno. what can i do? or not do? that could have made things better? its really beyond me. today, i just feel like crumbling. my best...is still not enough. its never enough. who can truly understand, and hear the cries from the depth of my heart? i nv thought i cld see anything as beautiful past the tears that intermittently well up in my eyes today...when i least expected to, and when i thought i cld hold on no longer....i saw 2 very beautiful rainbows.. momentarily mesmerized by the beauty of it. jus like an external source of electricity sending some power to my failing heart.. another timely reminder from Above? "no rain, no rainbows..."

accept the hard fact, that as we grow up, we'll learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will. as we giv our hearts fully, we expose our raw and the most vulnerable part of ourselves.. we get hurt, hearts get broken.. yet with this bleeding heart i will still move forward. may i always remember the conscious choice that i've made, i choose to feel the pain, to learn and to grow in wisdom, instead of hardening my heart, instead of living my life in numbness. i still believe, that everytime we do our best, its not a promise that we'll defintely reap the results that we want. but everytime we do not give in our best, we're defintely shortchanging ourselves of what 'could have been' and thus doing ourselves, and the ppl involved, a very big disservice. i choose to live simply. to always love generously. to care deeply, to speak kindly, and to never withold the best that i can give... do remind me gently, when i've failed to do so, when i've failed to give u my best, when i get too caught up in my own world and failed to be a good enough friend. i apologise for those times, and am thankful for your understanding, patience, and for still sticking by me. it is becos of u beloveds that i can still find a reason to smile.

i am so so so so so very tired...... :'(

...with whatever strength i have left in me...i will push on. i was never a quitter, and i'll never be one.