as the headspinning 2009 comes to a close;

So here we are at the end of another year. Another year older, another year wiser, hopefully.

I think I've learnt so much this year. About others, about myself... Well, just about humanity in general. The biggest epiphany I've had this year is still the one about relationships. To know who are the people who really matter, and appreciate them more. To avoid or eliminate others who only give out negative energy. It's tiring to deal with them. And that's something which I don't need at this point in my life.

I've learnt that it's okay to say "No". I've always been a very obliging person. But I've learnt that saying "No" doesn't make you bad, or any less nice. Sometimes you have to say "No" for your own sake, for your own health. How can one expect to help others, or make others happy, when he himself is in need of help? It's not impossible to do so, but being in a state of wholeness enables one to better spread joy to others around. And you need rest to be able to do that. It's also okay to say "No" because the people who should and do matter, will eventually understand. Of course we should never take them for granted. But generally, they do understand. Others that simply can't or won't understand and conversely give you grief for it... well, maybe it's time to do some relationship pruning. I'm just sayin', you know? I've also learnt that relationships are dynamic. They are constantly evolving and moving all the time. And it takes work to maintain a relationship. Until we realise that, none of our relationships are going to be lasting, be it between family, friends or lovers. It all requires effort. Just to stay home have some quality time, have a meal together.. Just a chill session over coffee with old friends. Just time out for the two of you. It all requires effort. It all requires a certain amount of commitment. And we have to specially set aside time for that. Because it's important.

So yes, my New Year Resolution is to have more balance in my life. Now that Uni's starting again, need to consciously remind myself to set aside more time for the people whom I care for. To see them happy. If I can achieve this, then yes, I think it is a type of success too.

Happy 2010 everyone.

Prov 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"

This verse surfaced to my mind a number of times.
As we all know, whatever is in our hearts will flow out through our words and our actions.

So now I'm asking myself- what is really in my heart?

Flywheel.

Caught a great movie today ! Thanks for the invite mq :)

Though its a low-budget film and acting wasn't exactly professional and stuffs, i still think this movie is amazing. The storyline easily makes up for some of the film's shortcomings. It's a Christian film with strong messages of love, redemption, transformation and grace.. uplifting and inspirational. I believe non-christians will like this film too. There were some funny bits here and there as well. Definitely worth a watch :)

Lots of afterthoughts, but something that actually stood out for me was that I realised there will be consequences for every action made- even after apologising. Our God is a God of justice and while He may have forgiven us, He still allows the (painful) consequences to happen.

I guess God forgives sin immediately upon repentance, but it takes longer to build character. It is our character, not forgiveness, that determines what God brings next to our life. Additionally, I feel the film did a great job in portraying what true repentance really is- Dont just apologise for the wrong things you've done. Unlearn the wrong things, and learn to do the right things at once! Willingness and obedience must go together.

Because we know the devastating consequences of our disobedience, let us diligently avoid every sin and "and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us" (Hebrews 12:1).

Btw, I've always wanted to watch "Facing the Giants". Just realised its from the same producer as Flywheel ! :)

and, thank God operation went well for JD's mum. Stay strong fellow aizai, will continue to pray for you and your family. I'll defintely avail myself for you if I can be of further help. We're all rooting for you. take care :)

+ God Bless

Wearing our hearts on our sleeves..? Lets try.

Or as some people say, “being an open book”. Meaning, you know what someone else is thinking because they tell it straight up. There’s no need for second-guessing or honing your mind-reading skills. If we did that, we might offend everyone we know… but on the flip side, when we offer a compliment, they would know that it isn’t just a passing remark. It would mean something. And when we are unhappy with something they did, they would know it too. Let me qualify this. I’m not advocating that you go around and insult everyone’s fashion sense and stuff. Rather, today, we engage in societal artificiality by tiptoeing around each other. When a friend says or does something that cuts us up inside, we are hurt because we expect them to be so much more sensitive to our hearts. And YET! We conjure up a smile and secretly wish we had a plastic fork to stab them in the neck with it. Or if you are not inclined to violent tendencies, you have the perfect retort in your head but you hold your tongue because you don’t want to ruffle feathers.

When people say unkind things to us, our feelings are hurt. Instead of telling them that, and expressing our disappointment at their unkindness, insensitivities or our anger at their judgement, we cover it up with a smile- at times patronising, sometimes in genuine attempt to ‘love our neighbour as ourselves’ because we believe that by doing that, we are ‘loving them’. Other times, we don’t say a word but avoid that person for as long as it takes.

What is it about telling others how we feel that we find to be so challenging? Is it possible that maybe we fear that it may be done to us and although we say we would like to know what others feel, we actually don’t? Like many other things in life, in order for us to dish it out, we need to be able to suck it in- are you willing to hear the truth about yourself inasmuch as you’d like to tell the truth to someone else?

Taking it one step further, how do we express our genuine feelings to others without being demeaning, wrecking friendships and yet, still being able to go to sleep knowing that we have been authentic during our interaction with others? Is this now permission for everyone to be insensitive to each other and revisit primary school rationalisation of “you hurt me so I hurt you!”?

Maybe a more apt question is- how did Jesus do it? May that be our guiding light. My guiding light..

Of late I've been feeling a little disturbed by certain unmet expectations, and that has weighed down my heart and my lips quite abit. I guess, it is really time for me to quieten down and to seek Him in prayer.

Indeed, our awareness of His presence may falter, but the reality of His presence never changes. People who live together or hang out together long enough eventually begin to sound alike, to talk alike, even to think alike. So I pray, that as we walk with God, we'll take on His thoughts, His principles, His attitudes. and His heart..

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4: 8

of serious talks and jokes.

Today I learnt that I prefer a good balance of serious talks and jokes.

Having too much of either one feels like salt. A pinch will make all the difference in food. Put too much of it and the food becomes inedible.

random photo of the day.

The Lone Flower;

Enjoying the breeze in its peaceful surrounding, or struggling to survive against all odds?

In the meadows gay you shall be;
as sunbeam shines of love and joy;

listen to the call of spring..

...and bloom,

one day,

you shall. (:

..and I pray

I was really happy yesterday upon receiving the letter of acceptance, but somehow the thought going back to fulltime studies hasn't exactly sunk in. It's a pretty weird feeling. Although I've always wanted to, but never thought I would really be able to enrol in a grad program- especially with all that is happening at home now.

Besides being excited, I have my doubts about studying actually...Not that I doubt my own capabilities or anything.. But I still vividly recall my hons year when I received a really bad news from home. I did nothing but cried a 2 full weeks, thankfully i didn't turn blind, and somehow after that cut myself from all emotions. I felt nothing, and I did not think about anything at all, focused my energy and attention wholly to completing my units and thesis. It was a miracle I passed, and with pretty decent grades. I am very thankful. But it was a very very.......bad experience. Very sucky. Somehow still abit phobic.. I know once I start my course, I have to give it undivided attention, especially when researching for, and writing the dissertation. I don't know if I'll be strong enough if something drastic happens again during these 2yrs. Something worse than what just happened. I don't know what can be worse actually..but hmm, they always surpass themselves... I sound really helpless huh? hmm owells.

Sighs, I haven't prayed in a long long time. I've been really skeptical, I backslidded and denounced Faith even. I really don't know man. I've never asked for much. All I've ever really asked for is stability. I've never wished for great riches or anything. I just want a simple, stable life. Don't know if that's too much to ask. All of a sudden, I don't know what to pray for even though I feel like praying now. The Jabez prayer suddenly comes to mind though.. so here goes,

"Lord I pray that you would bless me and enlarge my territory. Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain. Amen"

food for the soul.

Halfway through the book "Letters to Sam" by Daniel Gottlieb .. great book, highly recommended. To know that such love exists, is a blessing in itself.

Personal, frank, honest and inspiring. Beautiful. May we be discontent with superficiality and that we all learn to live a richer and more satisfying life. :)

i feel the author brought this quote to life- "Sometimes adversity impels a person to greater heights, and sometimes it provides the opportunity for that person to be a blessing in the lives of others."

suck it in !

I can't deny that after much failures...self-confidence has wavered. Yarps, sad but true. I use to have this belief that I can achieve anything as long as I want to. However, circumstances has rendered me helpless of late. I cannot (and will not) let negative thoughts and emotions engulf me- thus the need to constantly be involved in activities, and to taste success. I do not wish to put up a false front telling everyone that all is fine with me, because on some really bad days, I have problems finding self-worth even. Its not all that bad either. I do not want to lose me in this process. Authenticity with self and others needs to be preserved. I must continue to have faith. It is a tough battle- mentally and emotionally. but deep in me, i know that I will emerge victorious. I just need to fight the good fight now. It is the process that matters :)

On a sidenote, I wish to thank all who have been exceptionally gracious in your conversations with me. please continue to do so! becos im actually quite fragile now- handle with care please ! :p Recalling the mildly crazy conversation i had with the intended few days back, i remain amazed and thankful at how we are so similar yet so different! :D

Im tired today. and not in the best of moods because I sprained my knuckle~ its mighty irky. i dunno how that happened. but sigh, yeaps, i sprained it :s so my knuckle is red and sore now. :(

few shoutouts before i log off:

Congrats for getting first class honours dearie~ im really proud of you, hardwork has finally paid off ! :) xoxo

Happy Birthday ah boh~ hope u enjoyed yourself heaps today ! we'll meetup soon :)

i like this-

"Jesus said love one another. He didn't say love the whole world."

One thing I concluded after a converfsation with The Intended..is that who we are is dependent on the kind of friends we hang out with.

If we hang out with vulgar friends, we end up or risk being vulgar.
If we hang out with friends with strong moral values, we end up being more like them.
If we hang out with materialistic friends, we end up envious and materialistic... so on and so forth

It's not about a "I'm better than you" mentality but it's more of a cautious approach.

Be careful who and how much time we spend time with because friends are the people that can either make or break you.

*psst..im finally at episode2 of Korean F4..heh...i have been veryyyy distracted.

awareness- its a good thing.

Current read
Asian Geographic: Taboo Edition

Strongly recommended by Aizai...especially the article on "Jaws of Death" !! Few years back, I saw a documentary on indiscriminate killing of sharks for their fins, and have never touched a bowl of sharksfin since then.. and i resolved never to have that dish in my wedding banquet. only one other friend of mine shares exact sentiments as me on this issue... pretty sad. think abt the brutal process and harm done to the eco-system before ordering that coveted bowl of delicacy.. sharks cruelly tossed back into the ocean after having their fins cut off, sea turtles..dolphins and tons of other marine life killed as a result of line fishing~ :(

sheeesh...just go read abt it. after all the harm that human has done to his environment, we should at least do our part to clear up the mess we've created... protect and conserve !

btw, today's the first time i ate the soft twirl soy ice-cream from Mr Bean. i love it !! yummy so veryy~~ see...so much good food around.. to give up eating sharksfin aint that difficult right~ come on friends ! convict yourself now!!

*psst, its a good thing to be aware.. but dont just be aware and do nothing. being unaware, and being aware yet not bothering to do anything...i wonder which reaps worser karma. haha

"You can never give another person that which you have found, but you can make him homesick for what you have" -Oswald Chambers

As an only child, I spent most of my childhood wishing for a sibling. Even at a very young age, I decided that if I had kids, it has to be more than one as I felt lonely [not bored] whilst growing up. I had lots of friends, but most had siblings, and I always felt they had a special bond and loyalty that most childhood friendships do not have. more imptly, I felt a sibling would be having someone who understood what it was like being in the family.. and for someone who grew up in a pretty unconventional family.. that meant a great deal.

On hindsight though, the best part of being an only child was developing the ability to enjoy being alone and to entertain myself. I may look sociable and bubbly and all, yet people are surprised by how much of a loner I can be. I dun think im introverted...im not exactly extraverted either. its just over the years, i've developed self-sufficiency.

I consider myself to be very independent. I enjoy doing things on my own and I'm comfortable being alone. Today was one of those days.. where i just enjoyed alot of metime, doing things that i love at my own pace. a day to recharge i guess. i feel disturbed when my phone rings on these days- i'll normally ignore it. haha.. but im pretty selective, there are those calls where i'll definitely pick up, be it rain or shine :p (but hey, dont start guessing im ignoring you on purpose when i missed your call !! heh..)

okay anyway...so one day of 'hermitting', tmr i'll be out of my shell and will be picking up your calls pronto. okay? aha... tmr is blading night ! thurs is golf night ! btw, im halfway thru the book Angels and Demons (will probably finish it by tmr...or tonite)...anyone wanna make it movie night on fri !? :p

"Without the solitude of heart, our relationships with others easily become needy and greedy, sticky and clinging, dependent and sentimental, exploitative and parasitic, because without the solitude of heart we cannot experience the others as different from ourselves but only as people who can be used for the fulfilment of our own hidden, needs. "

ok, so one of the many dream occupations i had, is to be a photographer for national geographic. not only will that satisfy my love for photography, i get to travel and meet new people while on the job~ how cool is that. so anyway, thats pretty damn difficult dream to attain. so, this will do for now. my own gallery on natgeo's website. HAHA...near enough la huh. loL~ maybe someday..my travel photos will get selected and published! hehe..who knows right!? never daring to try, means it'll only be an unattainable dream forever. BUT got try, means got chance!! 做人要懂得给自己机会！wahaha~ wheeeeee!

a very very painful day today. when i say pain, i mean..literally broken from the inside out. crushed. i dunno where i found the energy from, to do all the things i did today...dragging myself from one place to another.. i really jus feel like collapsing..i jus feel like disappearing from the surface of the earth. i wanted to call and cancel all my appointments.. tuition..dinner.... everything. i dunno how i did it..maybe i've learnt disassociation somehow, to somehow sever connections to my own thoughts, feelings, actions, and sense of identity..maybe i grew stronger after so many ordeals, maybe subconsciously i dun wanna hate myself even more at the end of the day, by failing to fulfil my responsibilities, my committment to my tutee, and my promises to my friends.. i really do try my best in the things i undertake, make the best out of circumstances...to be real with people ard me- yet not put on a sorrowful face 24/7, i try my best to be positive, to be strong for the people ard me. but how much further can i push myself? i really dunno. what can i do? or not do? that could have made things better? its really beyond me. today, i just feel like crumbling. my best...is still not enough. its never enough. who can truly understand, and hear the cries from the depth of my heart? i nv thought i cld see anything as beautiful past the tears that intermittently well up in my eyes today...when i least expected to, and when i thought i cld hold on no longer....i saw 2 very beautiful rainbows.. momentarily mesmerized by the beauty of it. jus like an external source of electricity sending some power to my failing heart.. another timely reminder from Above? "no rain, no rainbows..."

accept the hard fact, that as we grow up, we'll learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will. as we giv our hearts fully, we expose our raw and the most vulnerable part of ourselves.. we get hurt, hearts get broken.. yet with this bleeding heart i will still move forward. may i always remember the conscious choice that i've made, i choose to feel the pain, to learn and to grow in wisdom, instead of hardening my heart, instead of living my life in numbness. i still believe, that everytime we do our best, its not a promise that we'll defintely reap the results that we want. but everytime we do not give in our best, we're defintely shortchanging ourselves of what 'could have been' and thus doing ourselves, and the ppl involved, a very big disservice. i choose to live simply. to always love generously. to care deeply, to speak kindly, and to never withold the best that i can give... do remind me gently, when i've failed to do so, when i've failed to give u my best, when i get too caught up in my own world and failed to be a good enough friend. i apologise for those times, and am thankful for your understanding, patience, and for still sticking by me. it is becos of u beloveds that i can still find a reason to smile.

i am so so so so so very tired...... :'(

...with whatever strength i have left in me...i will push on. i was never a quitter, and i'll never be one.

knowing and understanding an individual's behaviour, only helps us understand the individual better (and probably facilitate empathy).. but that understanding does not absolve his/her responsibility from the misdeed.

i love the excitement and anticipation when i pick up a new book. bought a few (hopefully good reads!) with my kino vouchers recently. today im starting on 'The Lucifer Effect' by Philip Zimbardo- a renowned social psychologist who initiated and oversaw the SPE... seems really interesting, and surprisingly of relevance to my childhood dream of being a law enforcer. haha... how apt to pickup this book at this timing~ just before i flipped open the book... i was seriously considering (and am still) the prospects of a career as a SPO. haha...options are open.....we shall see... :p

can forgiveness occur without an apology?

i realise now, the answer is a resounding no. genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that are enabled by apologies. expressing a heart of compassion/willingness to forgive is DIFFERENT from forgiveness which comes after acknowledment of wrongdoings and sincere apology by the offender. forgiveness without an apology, is often encouraged for the benefit of the forgiver, rather than the benefit of the offender. such forgiveness DOES NOT lead to reconciliation. go figure. and digest.

love often means saying you're sorry, and real love will include apologies by the offender and forgiveness by the offended. i guess some just need to go back to kindergarten and re-learn what our teachers have taught us- "say you're sorry when u've hurt somebody!" the very first things we learn in life, are quite rightly what is fundamental (i.e., important, essential) to life, and to building good relationships. what is one to expect? a flourishing relationship or a beautiful life, when the foundations and fundamentals arent even grasped and ingrained ?

"..you can look yourself in the mirror, and you can look the other person in their eyes, not because you are perfect but because you have been willing to take responsibility for your failure."

obviously pissed. roused. upset. wadever. 'nuff said for the day. im drinking my big glass of milk and heading off to bed.

屋漏偏逢连夜雨-

it's a tough battle. i've only lived about a little past quarter of a century, but i've already had a few taste, and experienced some of these times. in some sense, the challenges and setbacks in life never end. in some sense, within some aspects of my life, i am constantly experiencing the doldrums.. dun try and tie what im saying here to a specific event in my life right now....cos im referring to an eeeeviiil synergistic effect of a few matter.

whatever it is, at the bottom of the pit, the only view is that of the dawning sky right up above..
btw, hAo is right! haha..okla, u dun have to know me OVER again, smartass. :)