..and I pray

I was really happy yesterday upon receiving the letter of acceptance, but somehow the thought going back to fulltime studies hasn't exactly sunk in. It's a pretty weird feeling. Although I've always wanted to, but never thought I would really be able to enrol in a grad program- especially with all that is happening at home now.

Besides being excited, I have my doubts about studying actually...Not that I doubt my own capabilities or anything.. But I still vividly recall my hons year when I received a really bad news from home. I did nothing but cried a 2 full weeks, thankfully i didn't turn blind, and somehow after that cut myself from all emotions. I felt nothing, and I did not think about anything at all, focused my energy and attention wholly to completing my units and thesis. It was a miracle I passed, and with pretty decent grades. I am very thankful. But it was a very very.......bad experience. Very sucky. Somehow still abit phobic.. I know once I start my course, I have to give it undivided attention, especially when researching for, and writing the dissertation. I don't know if I'll be strong enough if something drastic happens again during these 2yrs. Something worse than what just happened. I don't know what can be worse actually..but hmm, they always surpass themselves... I sound really helpless huh? hmm owells.

Sighs, I haven't prayed in a long long time. I've been really skeptical, I backslidded and denounced Faith even. I really don't know man. I've never asked for much. All I've ever really asked for is stability. I've never wished for great riches or anything. I just want a simple, stable life. Don't know if that's too much to ask. All of a sudden, I don't know what to pray for even though I feel like praying now. The Jabez prayer suddenly comes to mind though.. so here goes,

"Lord I pray that you would bless me and enlarge my territory. Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain. Amen"