a very very painful day today. when i say pain, i mean..literally broken from the inside out. crushed. i dunno where i found the energy from, to do all the things i did today...dragging myself from one place to another.. i really jus feel like collapsing..i jus feel like disappearing from the surface of the earth. i wanted to call and cancel all my appointments.. tuition..dinner.... everything. i dunno how i did it..maybe i've learnt disassociation somehow, to somehow sever connections to my own thoughts, feelings, actions, and sense of identity..maybe i grew stronger after so many ordeals, maybe subconsciously i dun wanna hate myself even more at the end of the day, by failing to fulfil my responsibilities, my committment to my tutee, and my promises to my friends.. i really do try my best in the things i undertake, make the best out of circumstances...to be real with people ard me- yet not put on a sorrowful face 24/7, i try my best to be positive, to be strong for the people ard me. but how much further can i push myself? i really dunno. what can i do? or not do? that could have made things better? its really beyond me. today, i just feel like crumbling. my best...is still not enough. its never enough. who can truly understand, and hear the cries from the depth of my heart? i nv thought i cld see anything as beautiful past the tears that intermittently well up in my eyes today...when i least expected to, and when i thought i cld hold on no longer....i saw 2 very beautiful rainbows.. momentarily mesmerized by the beauty of it. jus like an external source of electricity sending some power to my failing heart.. another timely reminder from Above? "no rain, no rainbows..."accept the hard fact, that as we grow up, we'll learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will. as we giv our hearts fully, we expose our raw and the most vulnerable part of ourselves.. we get hurt, hearts get broken.. yet with this bleeding heart i will still move forward. may i always remember the conscious choice that i've made, i choose to feel the pain, to learn and to grow in wisdom, instead of hardening my heart, instead of living my life in numbness. i still believe, that everytime we do our best, its not a promise that we'll defintely reap the results that we want. but everytime we do not give in our best, we're defintely shortchanging ourselves of what 'could have been' and thus doing ourselves, and the ppl involved, a very big disservice. i choose to live simply. to always love generously. to care deeply, to speak kindly, and to never withold the best that i can give... do remind me gently, when i've failed to do so, when i've failed to give u my best, when i get too caught up in my own world and failed to be a good enough friend. i apologise for those times, and am thankful for your understanding, patience, and for still sticking by me. it is becos of u beloveds that i can still find a reason to smile.
i am so so so so so very tired...... :'(
...with whatever strength i have left in me...i will push on. i was never a quitter, and i'll never be one.
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