life.

some people...are just there in your life to purely disappoint and to cause trouble.. some barge into your life, take a crap and run off leaving u to clear their shit.. some just like to act like they're damn happy as though nothing has happened.. some just cant be bothered.. some like to hide.. some act like they care alot, make alot of noise, but its all superficial..

really can see alot when one is down in the pits.
no, im not depressed.

im not as cool about things as i look. its total upheaval inside. dealing with uncertainties, dealing with stuffs that i have no control over..

but so what?

handle as best as i can when theres a situation, solve the problems at hand, plan ahead... but be as flexible as i can.. ppl tell me to be strong. i am, aint i?

still trying to find a reason to smile sincerely each day.. trying to be thankful for each and every small thing that comes my way, for each and every kind passing remarks and encouragements.. though few and far between, for the genuine loving kindness that i can feel from people around..

i've my limits tested over and over and over again. each and every time..i said i had enough. how many more blows can i handle? how many more times can i break till i shatter? i have no idea.

so we've heard, the hour before dawn is the darkest? is it nearly dawn yet? :'(
im all choked up. i cant breathe.

moral obligations, responsibility...practical issues.. self-worth.. the sense of being so alone at times, fatigue from this neverending battle.... ahhh im so tired !! sometimes i just need to be alone, yet there are times when i need people to hold my hand tightly, telling me they're with me each step i take.

handle the hurt, the pain. swallow it, suck it in. move on. i only have this much time for self-pity. move on Jing.

can i have this night to breakdown before i move on...? isit really gonna be better tmr..?
i am overwhelmed with emotions now, it hurts so bad..so bad.

i noe, i'll be stronger after tonight. i will.