stirred.

what to do, when you don't know what to do?
i've a sudden revelation....... hmm, and i need to think about what that means.

anyway..

disappointment- a very dangerous word uh? cos it makes one give up. and somehow, fear sets in when i feel disappointment...of any sorts. cos i don't like to give up. i don't succumb. i like to follow through what i've started out on.

and i think, thats a topic that's been very close to my heart for quite sometime now. cos i don't believe i've ever been so disappointed in anyone before. seriously, never. never before has trust on even the most superficial level been broken to this extent. additionally..in view of impending career change....i was led to think deeper abt this issue.

and while thinking about what i might be asked during interview, i was led back to the very questions on why i finally set my heart on this career, on what i think brings life, meaning and satisfaction- investing in people, in their growth. yet sometimes, i wonder if i actually make an impact, a positive impact on people at all. especially people whom i really love. sometimes i know i don't try hard enough, and i fail, and there are other times when i gave all my heart, but still fail... alot of things are really not within control. you might really do your best, yet if the person is not willing, or a non-believer...it is impossible to effect any change, or to facilitate any learning. so i turn the question back to myself..how do i handle my own anger, disappointments... when do i give up? and the crux is, do we just give up on someone? how much more to bother?

to facilitate learning, one has to be real. genuine. it stems from genuine love for the learner, the learner's well-being. it means being, not denying. it means being present to the learner. a caring for the learner, a non-possesive caring. acceptance of the individual as a seperate person. a belief that somehow the learner is fundamentally trustworthy. prizing of the learner as imperfect human beings with many feelings and many potentialities.

so how do i cope? how will i cope? where do i go from here?

as i sat myself down today, i had a mild feeling of inner excitement. i put my thoughts down as they occur. it doesnt really matter how anyone reading this will react to my thoughts. neverthless, at the same time, i feel as though u will accept them as mine regardless of the lack of clarity, style..or right expression. my real concern is to communicate with myself, so i might better understand myself. i guess..what im really saying is that im writing not for you, or to communicate any ideas to anyone, but for me. and i feel good about that at the moment.
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Character building 101//
lying: a vicious cycle, which can alienate the very people who are dear to you.

lying regardless of situation. finding a justification for each and every lie. ego and pride outweighing the bond between 2 individuals. hiding and bending the truth about issues large and small, and taking comfort in it. lying to feel safe, and fueled desire to lie more. keep lying to protect the last lie. making up stories to cover lies.constantly convincing yourself of things that are not true. lying becoming a way of life, a habit. failing to see how it eats you inside out. failing to see how people around gets hurt. difficulty in forming healthy relationships. failing to build, failing to re-build.

i dun deny an occasional white lie or two, is needed on the rare occasions. but telling the truth is foundational and essential, without which relationships will fall apart. simply put, deception is destructive.

i only have to let go, but its your life to live. i just want you to know, i love you more than you could imagine, and i still do. but I need to stop involving myself in your self-destructive behavior, the way u chose to communicate (if at all). i've long forgiven, before u've even thought about apologising. yet, forgiveness does not equate to being able to trust again. at least not immediately. or rather, whether there's sincerity and effort in re-building the trust. or whether you feel there's any point at all in trying to re-build the trust that u've broken and taken granted for. i dun care even if u dun care a damn, whatever it is, i hope u'll come to realise the preciousness and importance of sincerity and honesty, to yourself and to people who cares.

i choose not to hear, not to see.. but to feel, and believe. love u, and all the best.

i will not be defeated (by myself)- forever shall allow truth to soar through me.

Dear God, please help me live a life of love. i want to love, just as you do. im touched, and forever amazed by your awesomeness.